An Apology To The 'Girl' I Used To Be

Hello, old friend.

We have not spoken in a while and it is mostly my fault. I have been pushing you away, forcing you into the shadows of my closet, and leaving you there to rot in my guilt. I wanted you to suffer, and because of that, I made you beg for death every chance you got but never indulged in it.

I want you to know that I'm glad that you're still here, even after all this time and everything I've done to you. You didn't deserve any of it. You had done the best you could and I was angry at you for not trying harder.

Looking at us now, people would never guess that we are the same entity -- two halves of the same damned body that we have always been ashamed of. People would never guess that I stemmed from you -- that I took shelter in your empty shell and made it my own.

People will never understand how I tortured you for my own sanity, and for that, I must apologize again. I should have found a better way than hurting you. I should have loved you harder when you needed it, and loved you softer when you didn't. I should have done a lot, I know, but I didn't. I didn't, and that will be a burden I must carry with me for the rest of my life.

I think about you every now and then, you know. I think about how strong you were in the face of everyone trying to bury you alive - including myself. I think about how loving you are and how compassionate you are to others. You'd be ashamed to know that I feel as though the world has made me cold, Destiny. You spent hours swearing that the world would never harden you, that you'd stay gentle your whole life through, and I have failed you. I have failed you miserably. I try to be a little kinder every day, but man, Des, it's fucking hard. People are really out here testing your patience on a daily basis.

We worked hard to get where we are now, and I know it's something you're proud of. We hauled ass and still held the world on our nimble shoulders while doing it. We proved everyone wrong. Everyone. Everyone who had doubts about us and who wanted to watch us burn and crash before even trying were all wrong. I need you to know this because I know how emotional you can get when you're validated.

In fact, you're way more sensitive now than you were before, and it says a lot. You've developed good communication skills and a friend group to put all others to shame.

I think you'll be most surprised to know that you were right all along: you are not a girl. Even when you identified as a girl and used she/her/hers pronouns, you were not a girl. The world saw you as one, and they were wrong. We were wrong. I hope this comes as a relief to you because I trembled when I came to the realization. I was scared and upset and unsure of where to go next. But, Des, we've made it this far and we could have never seen it coming.

I don't know what else to say. I spent a lot of time hating you and the circumstances you were forced into. I made a lot of mistakes because of it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything and more.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it.

At all.

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