I couldn't wait to cheer you on at your games this upcoming school year. I couldn't wait to come home from college and surprise you. I couldn't wait to tell you about all the cute boys I see while I'm there. I couldn't wait to do the blazin' wing challenge that guy suggested we do.
I couldn't wait to convince your mama to let us go to El Paso (even though we both knew what her answer would be). I couldn't wait to perfect a dive (both of us knew each attempt got worse). I couldn't wait for senior week 2021. I couldn't wait for us to be in our eighties ( I'd still be white as all get out) laughing at the stupidest things. I couldn't wait to take on life with you as my best friend.
However, all that has changed now. It's been awhile since we last spoke. It started with a few days of no communication that you always said not to take personally. Then every picture of us was deleted off of Instagram.
And then I was suddenly blocked/unfriended on every social media platform. It all happened so fast I never truly had time to reflect on why it was happening. It took you forever to finally delete you know who from your life, but it took less than 24 hours for you to forget about me and I think that's what hurt the most.
Just seeing how easy it was for you to block me from your life hurt in more ways than I can explain. I was abandoned with absolutely no closure. You knew how my mom died. You knew I yearned for answers to why she killed herself and then you do the exact same thing she did. You just left me. No goodbye. Maybe I wasn't worthy of one. I was heartbroken.
I am heartbroken. You consumed 3/4th of my camera roll so having to delete all of our memories took an inner strength I never knew I had. However, they're in my recently deleted for 30 days so I still go back and look at all the good times we had. I basically deleted a year of my life, perhaps the best one I've ever had.
We were two peas in a pod. When you saw one, the other was never too far behind. I brought you food before your games. I listened to you cry over a boy I already warned would break your heart. I chose to hang out with you over my own family. I took you home after work. I basically planned my life to fit your schedule.
Now I have all the time in the world, but I can't help but miss us.
I miss going grocery shopping with you. I miss our sonic runs. I miss going to Buffalo Wild Wings with you. I miss ordering sushi at Jap knowing I hated it. I miss getting ice cream with you. I miss blaring our favorite songs while I almost run off the side of the road. I miss baking cookies with you and prank calling people. I miss the nights in the basement that made your mama think we were up to no good. I miss sitting in my closet watching you do your makeup at 2 in the morning. I miss hearing your boy drama. I miss your snaps. I miss getting Starbucks. I miss having to snap our food before we could eat. I miss your dog. I miss you in my passenger seat.
I just miss you.
However, I've come to realize an awful truth; you don't miss me. I'm terrified you haven't been affected by my absence. I'm scared you've found my replacement. I'm scared I'm caring about something you stopped caring about a long time ago. You hurt me. You hurt me like no one ever has. From the bottom of my heart I am so so sorry for whatever I did to you. Sorry doesn't change anything, but just know I never meant to hurt you in any way. I said I don't care a lot, but I cared more than you could ever imagine.
I still care. I always will.
I truly prayed for you on nights I didn't pray for myself. I don't regret that for a second because I watched firsthand God answer prayers you had no idea were prayed. I hope you accomplish everything you set out to do. I hope you live your life to the fullest and never take the easy way out. I hope you marry the man of your dreams. I always imagined being the greatest aunt in the world to your children, but I guess someone new will take my place in their life.
Despite the tears I've cried over you and the heartache you've caused me if you ever need me for anything and I mean anything I would do my best to be there for you. I would do it all over again despite knowing how it ends. I may not be one of your best friends anymore, but you are still mine. I'll always love you and you will forever hold a special place in my heart. Thank you for giving me some of the greatest memories of my life.
There will never be another quite like you. I hope this letter somehow reaches you and you find it in your heart to forgive me. Bye. It's been a pleasure.