I learned about the show "Awkward" in college, already a few seasons behind the curve but I gobbled it up, watching whatever episode I could find. Jenna Hamilton spoke to me in a way I couldn't explain. Maybe it was her self-titled awkwardness and the instinctive ability to stick her foot in her mouth every five minutes. Could have been her attempts to do the right thing even though it went bottoms up each time. I could vouch for that phase of my life, which would be each week since middle school. Maybe it was the sloppy hair, because while I hadn't committed to the side-braid every day, I had done it more than I was proud of. And it was definitely her Matty situation because if there was anything I could relate to, that was it.

I have a long history of Mattys. See the s? That's because Jenna had one while I had probably a dozen. She got suckered into going back to him time after time for a few years whereas I did the same thing, but cycled through three a year, if not semester. Matty is just my type: nice to look at, full of the right words and occasionally decent intentions, and definitely a lack of follow through. Immature, whiny, and selfish? Sign me up. I have a soft spot for guys who will always make me bottom of the list. I don't know why it's addicting, but it is. After all, Jenna always thought she could fix him or make it work. It was always a timing problem. We convince ourselves of that. It's so easy to make excuses for why it's not working. I made a ton of them when I was going out with a cute, fun guy who was dumb as a rock and thought he was too good for me. Our logic is usually lacking at 19 (or 20 because hey, I went back to him).

Jenna always tried to see the best in Matty, even when he'd pretend he didn't know her at school because she was uncool; I made excuses for why he dumped me in an unforgivable time of need. I wish I could say that was the only time, but there were many guys I allowed to give me less than I deserved or string me along. I ached for Jenna when she followed an infatuation for Colin, losing what she had finally gained with Matty because I knew what it was like to be in that web, but also to spend time chasing happiness only to get it and realize it wasn't what you wanted. Again with that bad timing.

Like Jenna, I (in my youth! Not anymore...) was a magnet for drama, whether it was guys or friends. I was awkward and anti-social in high school, then bloomed somewhere in college when I became more serious about my flatiron and got over a somewhat rational fear of blinding myself with eyeliner. Having conquered that, I found a new self, along with increasingly shorter skirts. Jenna ditched the side-braid, and for me, it was going out on Fridays sophomore year. Once you hit your stride and "get pretty", the rest seems to fall into place, until you lose yourself in the process. Jenna lost her friends for periods as she tried to increase her popularity and become someone else. Although I didn't have a drug use phase like she did, I definitely have spots on my transcript where you could see my social life had replaced schoolwork, which was the reason I was at college in the first place.

Losing yourself happens so slowly, you don't always notice until your friends throw an intervention for you. Jenna got one. I just had annoyed housemates telling me to take my stilettos off when I fell through the door at 2 AM, rather than clomp across the wood floors and up the stairs. Also to grow up; I got that a lot. That's a problem with wanting attention. I know it's one of my flaws and that's why I cringed when Jenna would do stupid things trying to get Matty's attention and to prove she was cool enough to be seen with him. I had been there, despite being a few years older. Chasing approval is even more dangerous than chasing happiness because you'll never find it externally. That never stopped either of us, but at some point you do grow up and leave that phase of your life.

I had been there with wonderful guys like Luke, who saw her potential and treated her with respect, but she couldn't get her head in the game enough to hold it together and eventually lost the relationship due to lack of commitment. I had been there with the drama and fights that accompany guys like Matty who ended up dating crazy Eva; Jenna tried to break them up, for good reason, but caused a rift in her friendship with her ex. I've tried to stay friends with guys I used to date and it normally ends in a mutual dislike because we couldn't go back to being just friends or I said their new girlfriend was some variant of dreadful. After all, good friends are always honest and sometimes meddling. Worst of all, I lusted over the Colins, ignoring the billowing red flags and trying to turn it into a relationship when they're nothing but wisps of smoke and cackling bad boys. That's part of the growing up process though. You have to make mistakes, make yourself cry, and hurt other people.

Eventually you'll find the way. I was so excited for the final season where Jenna goes to college. I knew her relationship with Matty would crash and burn and I wasn't disappointed. That argument was brutal. Actually, the whole weekend they spent together at her college was brutal. That's a fact of life right there. Where you have to accept either your significant other or some of your friends really don't understand or get along with your other friends. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It means you're multifaceted and maybe those groups shouldn't meet.

Jenna didn't understand prior to leaving that she was going to change, her friends back home were going to change, and sometimes the end result of your past isn't conducive to your future changes. I remember coming back home to my then best friend on breaks and feeling some level of difference. It wasn't as noticeable during the summer when we spent more time together but both of us became different people at our schools and like Jenna and Tamara, our texts became sparser and neither of us bothered to say anything about it until finally, we just disappeared from each others' lives.

It wasn't even painful because we didn't fight it. We didn't try to force ourselves into our old lives and personalities the way Jenna demanded Tamara back out of plans with Sadie or inviting herself to their parties when she knew she wouldn't enjoy the activities. We just accepted that season was over and moved on with our lives, a cleaner break than most relationships or finales.

I was so proud of the changes Jenna made while at Wyckoff because she had started to grow forward and while that process includes the occasional backslide, she was finally starting to explore her passions and talents in a forgiving environment, unafraid of what others would think of her for wanting to write rather than shotgun beers, like Matty and his replacement girlfriend. She couldn't become the true Jenna Hamilton until walking out on side-braided, stumbling-worded Jenna Hamilton just as we can't change if our environment doesn't. The ending of "Awkward" helped me close a chapter in my life and realize how far I had moved forward from her age. I watched Jenna wade through her first summer home and an internship for IdeaBin, just in time for the heat to hit here and my new beginning with Odyssey.