To The One That Changed It All

To All The Ones I've Loved Before: Part III

Having you in my life hurt too much, but the idea of leaving you hurt more.


Dear P,

We met when we were Sophomores in high school. A mutual friend introduced us, and we definitely didn't hit it off right away.

However, after we burped on each other, we realized we were destined to become friends.

We didn't get close that year, but seeing you in the hallway made me really happy for some reason.

Once our lunch trio became a duo; it was you and me against the world. Even though we barely knew each other, it was pretty nice.

As we got closer, I noticed myself gravitating towards you more and more. I thought about you all the time.

I didn't know how to say anything to you about it, so I didn't.

It almost ate me alive.

I started to notice that you didn't care about me as much as your other friends. I became a last resort for you.

Eventually, our friendship became awkward. Even though it hurt like you could never imagine, I didn't know how to fix it.

It was hard enough to watch our friendship disappear, but it was even harder given that I had fallen for you.

Watching you kiss other people in the hallway left me conflicted.

I was happy for you, but I wished I was the one making you happy.

I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell anyone, especially our friends.

I knew that if I told you, our friendship would be over. When our other friend asked you out, I saw your reaction.

I couldn't handle losing you like that.

I kept this a secret for almost a year, and it was beyond painful.

Whenever I wasn't around you, I spent all my time wishing I knew how to talk to you. When I was around you, I was at war with myself.

This internal battle going on inside me prevented from appreciating what was right in front of me.

Eventually our friendship disappeared completely. At first, it stung like walking through fire, but eventually I came to terms with the fact that we weren't meant to be part of each other's lives.

It was still sad though. Not only did I lose a good friend, but I had fallen in love with someone who I couldn't even have as a friend.

Even though I was relieved from continuously being at war with myself, I wished things could go back to the way they were before I caught feelings for you and ruined everything.

Talking to you used to be as easy as writing my name.

After months of not speaking to each other, we eventually became friends again. This time, I didn't have feelings for you. We became best friends, and that was more than OK.

I wish we'd kept in contact after I left for college, but maybe our paths will cross again someday. You taught me a lot, and for that I am forever grateful.

Good luck out there.

With all the love in the world,


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