If I asked you what you were most afraid of, what is the first thing you'd think of? My roommate would say gas stations. My sister would say ghosts. My mom would say boogers. I would say whales. And I’m not talking they-creep-me-out fear, I’m talking I-can’t-sleep-at-night-if-I’m-thinking-about-them, I-won’t-use-the-bathroom-because-what-if-one-comes-up-through-the-toilet fear.
There are a few things wrong with this: firstly, a whale can’t fit through a toilet. You know this. I know this. That doesn’t stop me from torturing my bladder until I google whether this has ever happened before. Secondly, unless I am at sea--not safe in bed and under the covers--whales can’t get to me. But, alas, I have an irrational fear, and there is no convincing me that all the whales on the planet don’t already know I’m afraid of them and are waiting for the day I finally step on a boat within their vicinity so they can attack.
Luckily, phobias are a viable thing! If you have one, you can probably relate to the following:
1. The fear of people finding out about your phobia
Trust no one to keep your secret.
2. The awkwardness when someone does find out
There’s always that brief silence before they realize you’re serious.
3. The rushed and useless justification
“OK, but whales are huge and make weird noises and barnacles grow on them!”
4. The relentless teasing until the end of time
There’s a 3 percent chance you’ll look at one of my friend’s phones and not see the whale emoji next to my name in their contacts.
5. The peace you feel inside when someone else also has an irrational fear
“Wait...You’re genuinely afraid a clown is going to appear at your bedside and stab you in your sleep...? I feel you.”
You can tell me all you want about how the animated whale from "The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack" is just a cartoon, but that doesn’t change the fact the Moby Dick is a true story.
