12 Rocks I Would Vote For Over Any GOP Candidate
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Politics and Activism

12 Rocks I Would Vote For Over Any GOP Candidate

Cue the dumber than a rock jokes

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12 Rocks I Would Vote For Over Any GOP Candidate

If you plan on voting Republican this time for President, looks like pickings are slim. Perhaps, the alternative to voting for a lunatic that is sure to drive the country into ruin is to vote for a lunatic who is actually funny and pragmatic (see Vermin Supreme). However, if you are so hell-bent on participating in this country's "democratic" system, then consider the following candidates representing the pinnacle of geological design:

1. Fluorite.


Look at that fade of violet, blue, and green! This fluorite specimen represents a wide range of color and values that chemical diversity, unlike Trump, Cruz, and Rubio.

2. Titanium quartz.


Titanium is found in many tools, including surgical implements. Perhaps Ben Carson can credit these for his success as a surgeon.

3. Agate.

Although it doesn't look pleasant to drink out of, this agate bowl probably holds more water than most GOP arguments on climate change and civil rights

4. Limestone.


Ben Carson may not be correct about the function of the pyramids, but we can all agree on the fact that this rock is responsible for one of Egypt's most iconic structures.

5. Turquoise.

If Donald Trump builds a wall separating us from Mexico and they have to pay for it, can it at least be made of this beautiful mineral found there? If you are going to be an ass, might as well do it in style.

6. Jade.


No, Donald Trump. Climate change isn't a Chinese construct meant to destabilize the American economy. However, it's widely known that the best jade comes from there. Unless our economy ends up revolving around domestically-mined jade, I don't think there is much reason to worry.

7. Yellow diamonds.


While I do not know the exact price of these gems here, I'd estimate that I'll need a small loan of a million dollars to be able to afford these.

8. Regular old diamonds.


They say that diamonds are forever. Let's hope that doesn't hold true for the Bush dynasty.

9. Amethyst geodes.


Sorry, Mike Huckabee. You won't represent your state in the Oval Office this year. However, you can take pride in the fact that Arkansas is home to beautiful geodes like this one.

10. The Bacon Rock in the Royal Ontario Museum.


No, Chris Christie. This isn't a succulent cut from a pig (or turkey, or cow, or whatever you make bacon out of). Unless you enjoy chewing on mineral formations.

11. Lapis lazuli.

If you want to continue a country ruled by the bourgeois, then you might as well adopt a symbol of opulence from pre-revolution France. Lapis lazuli was used to make ultramarine blue, one of the most coveted and expensive dyes at that time.

12. This Rock.


At least he's entertaining while brutalizing whoever steps in the ring against him.

(All images from Google Images.)

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