Sometimes life can get overwhelming. With deadlines and due dates abound, the burdens of new responsibilities as I become more independent, and the aching feeling in my chest when I think of the loved ones I've left at home, I tend to feel weighed down with stress and pressure. I have a desperate desire to impress those I've left behind me, to make them proud of who I am and who I will become. I feel as if I need to prove to everyone that I am worthy, that I am going places, and that I am a success.
I've been a perfectionist since the day I was born. The thought of failing used to make me sick to my stomach; I remember many long nights wildly trying to make projects or papers flawless, crying if I made the tiniest mistake or if I couldn't understand a concept. I remember feeling so inferior to my classmates and even my friends if I thought whatever they did was better than mine.
Today, while my fear of failure is still an underlying issue, it doesn't have nearly such a tight hold around my life. Even so, I still have random moments where I question myself. I wonder if I'll make it in the field I want a career in, I wonder if I made a mistake missing out on certain opportunities, I wonder if I cut people out of my life too soon. In an instant, these thoughts vanish just as quickly as they came. The weird lump in my throat doesn't go away as quickly, though; I feel guilty for even thinking of questioning my life and my choices, about second guessing my passions, for worrying so much about my future and the dream I have for my life.
It's taken me a while to realize that it's OK to wonder. It's alright to fear that the grand plan for my life might not work out the way I want. I'm nineteen years old, a college freshman- I'm not meant to have everything figured out. I will inevitably hit bumps in the road that will throw me off track. One day I might realize that things I thought I wanted, I simply don't anymore.
I am afraid of failing, but I'm even more afraid of being so caught up in scrutinizing and organizing my life to a T that I forget to live.
I need to be more in the moment, to immerse myself more in the here and now. While the future is important and I should have a basic outline of what I'd like to be doing in the next few years, I can't keep worrying about not reaching goals that are so far down the line. It's time to focus on making my day to day a life to remember, filled with good memories and laughter. I need to realize that everything will fall into place and that I will be fine.
I don't need to impress anyone but myself. If I keep making every day a great day, a day of truly living, I think I'll make myself pretty damn proud.