There is this feeling that I cannot shake. It’s almost every day that I feel like this. Waking up for the day is almost impossible for me. I do it, but I don’t feel right. At the start of the day, I just feel tired. But as the day goes on, I don’t feel tired. I just know that somethings wrong. At the beginning of this year, I felt great. Like I can take over the world. I was ready for a fresh start. Now, I don’t know if I can take over an ant hill. I don’t know what this feeling is, but I don’t feel good.
I’m not sick. At least not physically. I’m not throwing up in a toilet or having to take medication. I just know that I am not feeling well. I just want this feeling to stop. Everything I do and everything that I say feels wrong. I make one move and I am afraid it was the wrong move.
‘Maybe I shouldn’t have done that’ runs through my mind every day. ‘Did I say something that I wasn’t supposed to’ creeps into my mind as a constant thought. I don’t know if I am doing anything right. ‘Should I do it this way or that’ is an impossible decision. This makes me wish time travel was possible. If I could have one look into the future to see where I was, I would know what to do.
I don’t feel the same. At the start of the year, I was ready. I felt amazing like this was my year to get things done. I felt ready to climb the mountain of responsibility. When I first started, it was easy. I got things done and I was pleased. But know the climb to the top is becoming harder and harder. I’m terrified that my hand or foot is going to slip and I’m going to fall. I sit there and I think ‘is this really what I want to do?’ I always answer ‘yes’ but sometimes it feels like a ‘no.’ I put a smile on my face, but most days
Some days it feels like it’s me against the world. Like I’m in a boxing match and there is no one in my corner. I’m afraid to do anything. I do one wrong thing and it feels like I’m going to get punched. I don’t know who to go to for help. It’s hard to explain what is exactly going on, but I want this feeling to go away. There are days where I just want to cry but I can’t. There are days I don’t want to do anything. I just lay in bed all day long and that’s the best part. I wish and hope that I have a good day. That I don’t think these thoughts and most days I don’t. But the other days I do, and it makes me sick. I just want to know what this feeling is.
