To The Big Man Upstairs

Dear Lord,

As I grow older everyday, I realize how unpredictable the world is and how something can change in an instant. One day you have someone, someone you can call yours and you tell this person every little thing, and then the next day they up and leave, just like that. I wish I could understand your process for things like this because it really makes no sense sometimes.

My whole life, I've been praying to you for two things, happiness and love. I guess I can say I've been lucky enough to experience both, but I don't want a time limit on them, I want to keep experiencing both forever. Yes, it's a greedy want, but don't I deserve it?

Throughout these 20 years, I've been through a lot of ups and downs, and the downs can be a really low time for me. When this happens, the world through my eyes is dark and scary. The only way I get to escape that darkness is through dreaming, I get to escape reality for a moment. The hardest part of all of this is opening my eyes and realizing it was just a dream and I'm back to the dark and scary real world.

What I am trying to say is why do I keep getting pushed back into this darkness? The two things I pray to you about are the opposite of what I receive and I'm asking you God, why is that? Why do I keep getting pushed back down when all I want is love and happiness? I know you have this whole plan worked out, but sometimes I need reassurance from you because for me, it doesn't seem like a plan at all.

I truly try my hardest to be a good and kind person, and I know I have my flaws. I know I have pushed people away because of these flaws. I have the scars to prove the pain I have gone through within my life that you have given to me. This life although, isn't all bad. You have given me so many glorious things that I will never be able to pay you back for, but as my life goes on, I will continue to try my best to do just that.

All I ask from you God is to show me the way. Show me the way to true love and happiness because those were the two greatest things I have ever experienced in my life. You may keep knocking me down for whatever reason you have, but you know I always get back up and become stronger from those pushes.

Again, I wish I knew the underlying meaning to all the lows I have been through and those that are yet to come, but for now I'm going to live my life to the fullest and give myself to you because what else can I do? I love you and thank you.