There are many things that make being in a relationship hard. You have to deal with fights or disagreements. You have to learn how to trust one another. You have to learn how to communicate with one another. And you have to learn how to love each other. But being in a relationship with another woman adds in other problems. But the worst problems come from outside of our relationship. The people that we interact with every day. There have been so many comments about my relationship from other people and many of them are saying the same thing. So these are some of the questions and comments I'm tired of hearing about my relationship to my fiance.
How did he propose?
I often get this question when people realize that I'm wearing an engagement ring, but they don't know I'm gay. For those who do know, I often hear a different version of this question: "Who proposed?" I really don't like these questions because it assumes that one person has to initiate the next level of the relationship. Nobody has to initiate it. For us, it was an agreement. We both agreed to get engaged and we both agreed to start wearing the rings. Neither one of us decided to get down on one knee and ask the other if they wanted to get married. We bought the rings, we sat down on a bench, and we exchanged the rings. There really isn't much of a story there. Sorry to disappoint.
Is one of you wearing a tux?
All I have to say to this is that we are gay. We do not have to portray a heterosexual couple by having one person in a tux and the other in a dress. We also don't have to have one person be more butch than the other. We are both wearing dresses because we both think dresses are pretty.
You spend too much time together.
She is my best friend. Of course I spend a lot of time with her. She is the one person who has proven that she will be there for me for the rest of my life. All of my other friends have come and gone. So obviously I want to spend my time with the one person who hasn't left. The one person who knows how to help me when I'm having an anxiety attack or depressive episode. She is the one person who makes it so that I don't feel alone. Nobody else has accomplished that. We live together, so that means that I will spend a lot of time with her. But we also spend time with other people. Just ask the many friends we have.
Oh, so you're a lesbian now?
Just because I now have a girlfriend doesn't mean that I am suddenly gay. I've always been gay, the difference is that I'm just now realizing it and have finally accepted it. I might have had a boyfriend in the past, but that doesn't mean that there is anything sudden about my sexuality. Plus, my girlfriend isn't a lesbian in the first place. There are more sexualities than simply gay or straight.
When are you having kids?
This question assumes one thing: that we will have kids at some point. I hate that assumption because I have never been the type of person who wanted kids. I also don't think it's any of your business if I have kids or not. That is between me and my fiance. You know what else is between me and my fiance? How we are having kids. We have been asked this question as well and let me tell you, that was the most awkward conversation ever. It's none of your business, so don't ask.
It's not fair to straight couples that you get to live with your fiance on campus.
Believe it or not, my fiance was told this once. It may not be fair that straight couples can't live in the same room on campus, but that really isn't our problem. If they have a problem with it, they can take it up with residence life on campus. I am not breaking any rules by living with my female fiance so they can't say that we can't live together. Plus, in some states I won't be able to buy/rent a place from some people simply because I'm gay and that will be completely legal. So I feel like this is kind of justified.
You don't have to announce your sexuality.
I have heard this one so many times and the people who say it don't realize just how wrong they are. This comment will come up when I talk about being a lesbian or even simply talk about my female fiance. Most of the time I'm not announcing anything, I'm just talking about the facts of my life. But they are also wrong in this comment because they don't realize how important visibility is. If I allow myself to be visible and tell people about my sexuality, that means that people will hear me. This is beneficial to everyone. Straight people will learn that they have a gay friend and will learn more about the gay community through me. It will also help young people who may be struggling with their own sexuality. It shows them that they are not alone in their struggle and that I am someone they can come to for questions. If they can see themselves in the people around them, then they will not feel alone or like they don't belong. And I think of this as my most important job for the LGBTQ+ community.
There are many things that people say to me, whether they are about me being gay or about my relationship in general. But these are the most common ones. They are also the ones that I believe shouldn't be asked or stated. I think the world would be a much better place if we didn't assume things about people or assume that we know about their life when we really don't. My relationship is happy and healthy and you don't need to have your nose in the middle of it. Thank you for your concern, but we are doing just fine.