To the Girls That Feel Things They Don't Want to Feel
This is supposed to be the create healthy boundaries, make meaningful relationships era for me, but somehow I still end up breaking the rules.
This is a response to "Why I Have Decided to Become a Healthier Version of Myself, For Myself."
I have always been told I am too nice, too caring, too sweet. That I will allow people to walk all over me if I am not careful. I always say it's a blessing and a curse, to feel things so deeply and care so deeply about others. I mean what can I say? I am a type 2 on the enneagram which is the "The Helper".
It doesn't matter if you have done me dirty or stepped on my toes because I always end up forgiving and giving another chance. Maybe it's part genetics or maybe it's just how I have been conditioned to be.
Even in times when I know in my heart to stop something, I get this little voice in my head that says it will be ok to allow that person in my life.
I have reached out to people that I should have kept the door closed on. What does opening the door back up look like? Here are some of my examples.
Having a falling out with one of my closest friends only to realize that she did not want to salvage the relationship after reaching out.
Donating a large amount of money to an ex partner's fundraiser.
Genuinely caring about someone to only have them see you as a convenience.
Texting an old roommate to get coffee with who time and time again would not apologize over things from the past.
Asking an old high school friend how they were doing after hearing about some struggles when they never once checked in on me.
Trying to be a therapist for a guy who continued to drain me because I wanted to help.
Driving hundreds of miles and running several errands for a friend who now can't even text me back when I try and reach out.
Giving my number out to a depressed neighbor because I was trying to be nice while my friends told me not to.
And last but not least,
Slipping back into someone's life when I know it's not good for me because we want different things.
I am human and recognize I will make mistakes. When it comes to the nature of the heart, it's quite a fickle game. I aim to do what's right by helping others but then have the risk of getting too connected and too involved to the point where I end up hurting myself and even the other person in the long run.
What I am trying to teach myself is that I don't always have to do what I think is right, if it is not right for me. For example, the neighbor that secretly likes me saying he won't eat and is severely depressed wanting to grab food to make him feel better. Then me thinking I need to be there for him despite knowing his true feelings for me that I cannot reciprocate. I am learning that it may be the "right" thing to go and help him though his sorrows, but it is not the best thing because I will just end up leading him on instead.
Creating boundaries is the key to peace. Saying no is the key to peace. Being able to let go of something that does little for you is the key to peace. Saving your emotional energy for yourself is the key to peace. There are a lot of things I can do to bring me the peace I deserve, but I am still learning how to separate myself from everything that doesn't bring me peace. The act of pulling myself away is a work in progress, but at least I know I am trying.
