I Am Not Okay, And I Am Owning That
Talking about it is uncomfortable, but we have to start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable.
I've been struggling a lot with feeling like I'm a burden to the people in my life.
I constantly feel like I'm making a mess and having to employ a ridiculous amount of help to clean it up. I have it in my head that I am a burden and that I've fucked up enough people for one lifetime.
I've realized that, in turn, I'm socially isolating myself because I don't want to drag anyone else into my mess.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason. But I can't understand what this reasoning could possibly be. Why do I find myself feeling hopeless? Why do I find myself crying all the time? Why does just getting through the day feel like a weight on my shoulders?
Time and again I forget that we can't put all of our eggs in one basket when it comes to recovery. Things often won't work out the way you had hoped or planned they would. And sometimes that's a good thing.
But sometimes, it's a bad thing. And you need to allow yourself to feel those intense emotions of sadness and frustration.
We so often let our brains go into hyperdrive. We react instead of responding. We jump to conclusions instead of taking a step back and thinking rationally.
We're primed to fight or take flight. Thinking things through, especially our emotions, just isn't how we're programmed. But we can change that, no matter how difficult it might be.
This is why it's so important to check in on your friends that are "okay." Yes, I'm getting back on the horse. Yes, I seem okay. But the symptoms are just coming out in different ways. I am now coupling ongoing, daily recovery with traumatic depressive recovery. That doesn't make for an easy time.
This process, this daily practice of recovery, is imperfect. It requires you to prioritize yourself, an act that the rest of the world makes out to be selfish.
Asking for help doesn't make you weak. It's not a sign of surrender. It shows that you are strong enough to recognize that you're not living life the way it should be, despite the fact that you want to. None of us can do this, this live, on our own.
Ask for help. Say you're not okay. That's step one.
Although it isn't as easy as flipping a switch, you have to tell yourself this: I am loved. And I am worthy of love. And so much of it is around me if I just throw those fears aside and open myself up to receiving it.
You might not get it on the first try, or even the fortieth. But you're trying. And that will lead you down a path of hope.
