Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, me not caring!
JD: "You're ex-wife, she's the answer!" Dr. Cox: "Uh...things that ruined my life? Things that took half of my money? Things with sharp edges?!"
giphy.com
From now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're not allowed to talk
Hand to God, If you so much as look at me for the next month, I will mummify your head in surgical tape
You see, I am a lot of things. I’m a Scorpio, a registered Independent, a foodie, a parrot-head, yes I do love that Jimmy Buffet-always have, always will, a leg man. But I can assure you the one thing I am not is lonely
giphy.com
Laverne: "Does it help to know that Jesus love you?" Dr. Cox: "It does not!"
Jordan: "You know, you're gonna miss me more than I miss you" Dr. Cox: "Oh pah-leeze, I don't need those 4lbs of makeup and quarter inch of synthetically paralyzed skin!"
I know what Kim did to you was just crazy, but pregnant women are among a select group of people who are actually allowed to act insane. Much like sports mascots, local weatherman, theme park performers, and that guy with a question mark jacket who teaches people how to get free money from the government
That's what we call a lie... or, when you're married, communication
So, if you wanna solve a real mystery go ahead and figure out who is taking my New York Times every Sunday. Or, better yet, how about why anybody on the planet actually thinks that Dane Cook is funny?
JD: "Do you think I need to grow up?" Dr. Cox: "Wow. You dream your whole life about that one moment. When it finally comes, you're just-you're not ready for it. Here goes. The answer is a sincere, emphatic, 100% definitive, never been so sure of anything in my life unequivocal yes."
Jordan, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual!
Dr. Kelso: "Looking for something?" Dr. Cox: "Yes, my cloak of invisibility so that I can avoid conversation with soulless dictators such as yourself. Unfortunately it's really hard to find because as the name suggests, it's invisible."
Even though we all currently despise each other, we’re professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand despite the fact that she’s a heartless, red-state-supporting, N.R.A. backing, illegal-immigrant-hating, self-righteous, misinformed dope, essentially Karl Rove with smaller boobs
Dr. Cox: "Go to Hell, Bob" Dr. Kelso: "I didn't even say anything!"
giphy.com
What is it with friends and the whole wanting to be in your life thing?
JD: "Dr. Cox!" Dr. Cox: "Okay, Linus, you're way too excited. I want you to get your blankey, go in the corner and take a timeout"
People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are, mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling
giphy.com
You, honest to God, get me so angry I'm afraid I may hurt myself
JD: "What is wrong with me?" Dr. Cox: "You're an annoying, whiny man child"
giphy.com
Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally but I’m having him spend the rest of the day checking that counter-top’s heartbeat
I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as useful and about as effective as fairy dust
If you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring
giphy.com
Before we start today, who watches Deal or No Deal *intern raises hand* Get out
A coffee place in a hospital? What’s next Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezer’s already down there. Plus, it’ll be a perfect place for kids. One of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!
I would literally swear on my father's grave, but whenever I go there, I usually just end up dancing on it
giphy.com
I'm afraid you have confused me with someone who gives a crap
Should I talk slower or get someone who speaks fluent moron?
If someone is standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and can’t decide what they want in the half hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them
giphy.com
"And the category is-ding!-things that have a better chance of happening than you winning the lottery. Tedski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please?" "Go!" "Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson-" "Time!"
Any other day I'd say no, but today, I'm going to go ahead and just say no
I realize that your heart is made up mostly of muffin bits, the souls of little babies, and the denture grip you swallow every time you suck your teeth to get out the muffin bits and baby souls stuck in there, but what do you care?
God, My brillance is becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me.
giphy.com
It just makes me wanna pick you up and shake you until all the wasted years of my life fall out!
Bob, I will admit to anything that’s true, no matter how embarrassing. For example, I’ve always wished to carry a child inside of me and you know, birth it. But I’ll never admit to missing you.
If the next two words out of your mouth aren’t “see ya” then the third will be: “Oh my god, my crotch. You punched me in my crotch”
giphy.com
You would hear crickets chirping but they were too uncomfortable about just unfunny that actually was
Laverne: "God works all things for good, Romans 8:28" Dr. Cox: "Bull dinky, Perry Cox 6' 1", Buck 85 after lunch"
giphy.com
I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then I realized that that tactic would never work, as I’d be sent straight to Hell, which I imagine is actually a lot like Acapulco, only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.
"Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me?" Laverne: "Jesus?" Dr. Cox: "That's him"
Dr. Kelso: "So what do you think, Perry?" Dr. Cox: "Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea"
I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be satan himself
Dr. Cox: "I've seen the Wiggles in concert... twice." Turk: "Did they perform Big Red Car?" Dr. Cox "They opened and closed the show with it, it was... awesome"
giphy.com
