Sometimes I'm Too Honest, But Transparency Has Its Perks
When I manage to say just the right thing, it makes all the rest of my fumbled words worth it.
I have always been a bit too open about myself. It is something I strive to rectify because, sometimes, I do not get the whole "too much information" thing and tend to word vomit on people when I am anxious or in an unfamiliar situation. I can assure you I refrain from being crude nor do I offend anyone's sensibilities with what I say, but I do tend to tell my life story and then some. Talk to me and you will most likely get an update on my life since we had last spoken.
Some of the downsides of this habit are that I can say too much, more than I ever wanted to, and I would find myself regretting some (or most) of what I had said after the conversation ended. Some of the people I speak with get this expression on their face that screams "too much data input abort, abort" which just ends up pushing me further into a downward spiral of trying to overtalk my way out of the faux pas while internally berating myself and screaming. It is called oversharing, I believe.
It also hinders my ability to listen well, a social skill I try to exercise more, unless I am, at the moment, actively trying to shut up and listen because I cannot seem to stop my mouth from filling the awkward silences I am very sensitive to during human interaction. When face-to-face with someone, I have a very critical self-evaluation and situation reading process happening in my mind that is trying to figure out the best way to extricate myself from the situation if things are turning for the worse.
However, transparency is something I do strive for in my writing because I believe it has quite a few benefits to it, so I tend not to hold back too much on what I believe, think, or feel when I am writing. There are two benefits of transparency I hold above the rest: perception and relation.
When I am transparent, it affects how people perceive me. It can be positively or negatively, but what someone can be assured of is that they are most likely seeing me in all my "sometimes awkward, doing my best to survive life and make something of myself" glory. I rarely approach anyone with pretense or ulterior motive, so what you see is most likely what you are going to get out of me: eccentricism laced enthusiasm with a varying attention span depending on how much sleep I got the night prior and an unholy appreciation for and an appreciable mastery of the English language.
If you end up liking me, you will get to know me easily and can trust my intentions. If you do not, at least, you will quickly realize I am maybe annoying, mostly harmless, so rest easy.
The other benefit of being transparent, especially in my writing, is being vulnerable enough that others can relate to it. I often write about my faith, my questions, concerns, beliefs, discoveries, and more. I tend not to hold back, so, sometimes, when I write about something, someone else just…gets it.
I like to believe I am giving some voice to people who are in similar situations. I am glad when someone can say "I feel the same way" or "you managed to put words to how I feel." It motivates me.
At times, I will write pure drivel no one gets, but other times, there is at least one person who can connect to my words and feel something akin to a mutual understanding with someone who is no more than a stranger or acquaintance to them. If I can do that, I am satisfied.
So I will try to temper what comes pouring out of my mouth at inopportune times, but when it comes to my writing, I will always seek to be true to myself with my words and hope that there is someone out there who appreciates the gesture.
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