To The Person Who Needs Constant Reassurance
I want to learn how to expect less from people, how to stop giving a damn. To stop searching for clarity in other people's actions towards me. I want to live my life without being in constant fear of disapproval.
There are a lot of things I don't want to know. For example, my grades, how much money is in my bank account, my weight, and what my future holds. There are things that I absolutely hate doing, like letting people down, calling people back, and checking my email.
But then, there are times when I hate not knowing.
I hate not knowing how someone feels about me. I hate not knowing if I said the wrong thing. If I offended them or made them upset, or if they're mad at me, I hate not knowing how people feel about me.
I guess what I'm saying is, I need constant reassurance. I'm finally coming to terms with that. It's not something I'm exactly proud of. At 22, I don't want to feel like I'm still constantly searching for people's approval, but that's not necessarily the case.
It's not that I want to impress anyone or make them like me more than someone else. I just live in constant fear that I'm not making someone happy.
I guess that comes back to living with anxiety. Even the slightest change of tone in someone's voice, or answering a text message with one word, I take it personally. I automatically panic and think that it's my fault and that their change in mood is a direct result of something I had said.
Really, it has nothing to do with me.
I hate that I take things too personally, so add that to the list above.
I always feel responsible for making people in my life happy. I want them to smile 24/7. Do I know that's completely ridiculous and impossible? Of course. But it doesn't mean it's silly. I think it's good to want your friends and family to be happy, to genuinely want what's best for them.
When they're sad or having a bad day, it makes me sad as well. When I have no idea if someone is mad at me or upset with me, it ruins my mood. It's all I can think about.
I want to make everyone in my life feel cared about. I want them to feel like at the end of the day they are never alone.
I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that not everyone is willing to do the same for me. I'm starting to understand that that's okay, too. We all have different friendships and relationships that serve us with different benefits from each.
We all have that one friend that we go to when we want to laugh, another friend we go to when we need a shoulder to cry on, and the one friend that is always down to do some reckless things. Each friendship brings something different to the table. We can't expect our funny friend to know what to say to console us and empathize with when we're crying.
It's silly to expect things from people who we know are incapable of reciprocating. This used to really bother me, and at times, it still does. I want to fix them. I want them to be able to talk to me about personal things. I want my funny friends to cry sometimes. I want my friend who's always the life of the party to sit down and watch TV with me. But I know that's not how the cookie crumbles.
At 22, I want to learn how to expect less from people. I want to learn how to stop giving a damn. I want to stop searching for clarity in other people's actions towards me. I want to live my life without being in constant fear of disapproval.
I know that's not going to happen overnight; it's going to take time, but I'm going to really start trying. I expect so much out of myself. It's time I start expecting less from everyone else, and only needing my opinion of myself.
5 Respectful And Empowering Ways To Handle Rejection
Not everyone will like you, but not everyone has to.
You work hard, you do the right thing, and the inevitable happens. Someone comes along and begins to give you a backhanded compliment, or if you have the misfortune, a backhanded comment. You are left with a bad taste in your mouth and your day starts to turn sour. When people belittle you and your efforts, here are five respectful and empowering ways to sweeten those moments of rejection.
1. Never give someone a reason to not like you.
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People will say what they want and think what they want, no matter the subject or person of choice. It will not matter who you are or what you do, someone or another manages to pay you their two cents. You have to remember, you did not give them reasons to justify their words or actions towards you. These people who exhibit unwarranted thoughts about you are just another drop in the ocean. They do not define your good intentions or self-worth. They are not for you and you need not place any investigation or worry into the mystery of why they do not like you. You do not have to reason with them any further. Simply look forward to the people who care to be curious and open-minded about you.
2. Kill them with kindness.
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The dead push up daisies, but you plant the seed. Some people will smile proudly knowing they have said something cruel or disheartening to get a rise out of you but look at this as an opportunity. Every moment is a chance for you to choose how you react. Ten percent of life is what happens to you, it is out of your control. Ninety percent of life is what you do about it. Use your words to encourage, not discourage, civil discourse. Say what matters and say it with an honest purpose. State your case and let them respond how they will; you cannot control others, but you can control yourself. Be a good example others have yet to show themselves.
3. Turn the "No's" into a "Yes."
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The poet Sylvia Plath had this to say about rejection: "I love my rejection slips. They show me I try." She was talking about the process of writing literary submissions for publication, but her attitude still stands. This is the mindset it takes to find the success you want out of life. Despite all the people that deny you and your work, there are people that see potential and promise in you. It does not matter how many people say "No" to you. What does matter is the number of times you can get back to work and look forward to that one "Yes." You are working for the "Yes's" in your life. Forget the dream-killers and eye-rollers, they lack the hope and drive you have in what you do. They do not do what you do and do not do it like you do. For every "No" there is a "Yes."
4. Let your work speak for you.
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Sometimes no matter how endearing your elevator pitch sounds or how carefully crafted your resume is, people still find fault where there might not even be any. Your accomplishments are your own and that is something to take pride in. Of course, the right amount of pride separates you from the rest and for the better. Pride and confidence must not become virtues or vices that exceed who you are. The work you put out is an extension of who you are and no one can take that away from you. Work speaks for itself and yourself best, so focus on your goals and let your results stand in for your words people did not value. Your best is rarely seen at the moment of inspiration, usually after the final stroke of the brush has wet the canvas. It is your goal to show that stalwart work ethic in good times and in bad.
5. Your process will protect you.
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Keep working. Rule out the distractions and the doubts, the fears, and the flippant fools. Know that your process will save you in trying times. Work against all odds. At some point, things turn even and add up, but you have to be dedicated and diligent. Your sights are seen only through your eyes and your need is to show others what you see. Until then, your skill, your talent, will be honed with consistency. Show up to your work even when you have not been hit with inspiration. The Kodak moment will present itself through your process. Due diligence is the price of success. Eyes on the prize and nose to the grindstone. No one knows your work better than you.
Be the trampoline that bends the will of gravity-like rejection long enough until you can fly.