My Losing Battle With Anxiety
Anxiety is a crippling mental illness that leaves many lifeless.
I was young when I first started showing the warning signals.
I couldn't stand up in front of the class to do a presentation, to read an excerpt from a book, or to even answer a question.
I was in elementary school, maybe 9 years old, when I first realized that it was causing a problem for my education. I'd have to stay in at recess to complete something because it was too petrifying for me to do anything in front of class.
I was 14 years old when I ran out of my English classroom crying because I couldn't read a speech that we were supposed to write for class. It started out gentle, tiny shakes coursing through my body as I stood at the podium.. But that was where things took a sharp turn. I couldn't breathe, my left arm and leg went numb, and I started to feel dizzy - lightheaded, even. The room started getting fuzzy, and I thought I was going to pass out. I really didn't understand what was happening until I ran out crying. I had to stay in her classroom for our lunch period so that I could recite my speech alone with her instead of in front of the entire class.
It kept getting worse from there. It got to the point that before a choir concert, I'd start feeling nauseas and I had to go home on multiple occasions because of it. I dropped out of choir right before my freshman year so that I wouldn't have to deal with the nausea and panic before everything that we had to do.
I thought that I was just awkward, that I wouldn't be able to stand up in front of people without panicking - without feeling a legitimate sense of full-force fear.
When things started getting worse in high school, my mom and I decided that I had anxiety. Of course, I had people beginning to harass me. "You can't self-diagnose a mental disorder. You don't have anxiety. You're just attention-searching!"
I wish they were right.
Anxiety isn't as beautiful as people make it out to be. It's not always feeling scared to do something, but then being able to push through because that's what you want to do. It's not always needing to sit in your car alone for a few minutes to do breathing exercises and be able to get the strength and courage to go out and talk in front of a room of people.
Anxiety is crippling. Anxiety is what causes people to start breaking down in public. Anxiety is a shadow nearly as dark and large as depression. Anxiety is one of the silent killers.
Anxiety and panic attacks manifest in an infinite amount of ways. You could go from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye, unable to understand what's happening. You can shut down and start crying, shaking, rocking, even picking at your skin or self-harming without realizing.
I'm losing this battle.
I thought I could pull through without being put on medication, without needing the extra help... But that just isn't the case anymore. Within the next few weeks, I'm going to sit in the doctor's office and explain to them what's been going on. There's a chance that my entire life will change, and my 2 pills a day will go up to a total of 3.
I'm losing this battle, but one day I will turn it around and win.
