I'm far from a perfect human being. I'm impulsive. I constantly overthink. I make countless mistakes.
It's something that I don't think will ever change about me — or about anyone, really. Because we're all humans. We all screw up. And we're always learning and bettering ourselves. That being said, these unforeseen mistakes are inevitable, and from making these mistakes, I'm unfortunately bound to hurt people along the way, specifically significant others.
To those people that I haven't hurt yet, but will, there are some things I would like you to know.
My intentions were never, ever bad
Please know that it is never in my character to deliberately hurt someone. I always try to live my life with good intentions and fuel my heart with compassion. I never do anything with the intention of damaging anyone. Some things aren't predictable. I don't always know what I want and unknowingly toy with people's emotions to make myself feel good. It's a toxic trait I have that I'm working on. But, sometimes, we all need a little validation and reassurance every now and then. We just attain that using unhealthy mechanisms that cost us the pain of another person. I would have never wished you this pain.
I am a victim of heartache and emotional damage, too
Understand there's a part of me that doesn't heal from past heartache. I think there's always going to be a part of me that's somewhat damaged inside from the loss of a prior love, and due to my own pain, I often find myself in situations that I have a hard time dealing with and getting myself out of. Every mistake I make, I become stronger and more knowledgable. I'm growing a little more each day, little-by-little. I hate that I inflict what I experienced on others. I hate that I hurt you the same exact way I was once hurt before. Love and feelings and relationships are not always super black and white or palpable. It takes time and intelligence to understand these things, and sadly enough, my realization of all these things forced me to hurt you. I hate that.
Most importantly, I am so, so, sorry
I can't apologize enough for the pain I caused you. I am so sorry for however poorly I treated you or made you feel. I'm sorry that I messed up in ways that are irreversible. I wish I could change the way you feel and the way that things are now. I hope you find someone more worthy of me. I hope you find someone that gives you butterflies every time you stare into each other's eyes. I hope you find someone that makes you smile so hard your face begins to hurt. I hope you find someone you can drive around mindlessly at 2 a.m. talking about absolutely nothing. You deserve that. You deserve love.
We all deserve love.
But I'm sorry it couldn't be with me.