I am single. Not single and depressed someone hasn’t found qualities in me that I need to find in myself. And definitely not single and talking an array of unfulfilling guys hoping their ambivalence and weak oral game compensate to one genuine guy that cares about me. I’m single as fuck, open to dating and romance, but not settling.
It took me a while to get here. I thought my personality was like putty. I manipulated it to easily mold to every boy's necessity that gave me the time of day. I bent over backward, waited hand and foot for one-word answers, gave my quality alone time to other’s who thought it was better spent on them. I tried to act like one nighter and half-ass pickup lines were enough to make me feel good about myself and my actions.
Instead, I cried in front of the mirror during my drunk and highest nights, hoping I would remember how upset I was for giving my happiness to guys who never deserved it. I wished for the day I would break this cycle. Chasing after men who wouldn’t even take a summer stroll for me, chipped and even cracked my self-worth and personality, but it was what I needed to grow.
Once I really started working to it, understanding my perspective on myself and the men I lust after over, I realized some of my biggest fears about them came true and were actually helping me digest a new learning lesson. The three most impactful men I’ve sexually and “romantically” come across are all in relationships.
And I mean, within the span of a few weeks all had girlfriends. My biggest fear was that these guys were in relationships. And I’m not exaggerating. Who would I be if they didn’t need me? Who would consume my time up? Isn’t hooking up with someone better than no one?
I’m still grateful for the blessing. Truthfully, to this date, this is the most eye-opening blessing I have had. It seems easy to beat yourself up if you’re ever in a situation like this. “Well shit, what’s wrong with me since all of my boys have girls now?” But, nothing was wrong with me. I had no excuse to answer a text, late-night snap or give them the same attention. They were all in committed relationships. I always asked for a sign and literally wouldn’t listen until this one arrived in the most apparent message of them all, “don’t look back.”
Since then, I have been working on my worth and understanding what I am really looking for in a guy. I am looking for someone who is patient, relatable, stable and I am looking to have an intimate, romantic and genuine relationship. I will not settle.
Of course, I stay open and I have realized that I attract guys who are so physically infatuated with me, they think their needs are what I want as well. I cut ties with a recent one specifically, within a matter of five days of meeting him drunkenly one bar night. We had the same name and he was a really good dancer. I thought it was a sign until I had no choice, but to leave my phone home for the day because I couldn’t stand talking to him every second.
Still, I haven’t looked back or regretted my mistake. There was a time where I would do what this guy would have wanted. Text him every five seconds, answer every deeply personal question about me even though we were only talking for three days. Maybe two years ago we would be in a relationship and he would be full of my light while I lay there dull and defeated. I have evolved since then, so I kindly told him I didn't want to talk to him and I have been proud of my evolution since.
Don’t regret ending things with someone who doesn’t make you happy. My therapist says when it comes to love you have two options, it’s either a f*ck yes, or a no. If it’s in between, you will soon realize that it’s a no. Let yourself feel out your options and if even for a second you feel something isn’t right, you know what to do. The universe isn’t mocking you for throwing unfulfilling men your way, it’s looking to see what you are interested in and is preparing you for the beautiful life you have ahead.