Dear New Boyfriend,

If you break his heart, I will break your face.

It’s a promise, not a threat.

I know your friends have said the same thing to him at this point. Honestly, this is mandatory. Here I am, drawing the lines.

I mean it.

He doesn’t want me to say this to you. But he also knows goddamn well that he would say the same exact thing, were our positions switched. He would fight for me. I’m fighting for him.

But I want you to know that you are welcome here. You are loved here.

You’ve come into the scene, and the music has changed. His smile is brighter with you by his side.

I mean it.

You two haven’t known each other very long. Time doesn’t matter. The only things that matters are heart and love and kindness. Honesty and trust.

Dependability.

I’m depending on you, now. I need you to be all those important things. You make him happy. Be that man.

He loves you. And I love him. To quote my self-described sexy-ass roommate, “You don’t even realize how lucky you are to have someone as amazing as my best friend.” Since he chose you, I’m choosing you too.

But there is no unconditional love here. I need you to know that if you prove yourself unworthy, if you betray him, I will come for you in the night.

My best friend is an amazing person. He is my brother. He is my son. I would kill a man for him. Don’t be that man.

I’ll always be there for him – no matter what. That’s what unconditional love is. Give that to him. I know he’ll give it to you.

Sincerely,

The Person You Should Fear Most in the World