To organize their thoughts some people keep a journal, I have always used music to express personal my feelings, stories, and thoughts. It became the easiest way for me to work through what was going on in my head. In the latest song I wrote I decided to face a personal topic that I find rather challenging for me to talk about. In the song I explain and address my personal relationship with my anxiety.
Like the dyslexia I also have, anxiety is something that is rooted deep in my personality, and like dyslexia again, I was born with it. It is one small part of me, but due to a late diagnosis of the disorder it deeply effected some specific aspects of my life, and until recently, I didn't let myself acknowledge my anxiety, or accept it as a part of me.
I found out about my anxiety disorder in high school when, after hitting a breaking point, I finally let myself get help by seeing a therapist. Though it was relieving to know that many of my childhood irrationally fears and mental fixations were due to this underlying condition, I still felt defeated. I now knew that there was something conformably wrong with me, and I would have it for the rest of my life. The thought of a lifetime battling this anonymous sadness was terrifying, and seemed exhausting. I felt that anxiety was just another thing wrong with me, another flaw.
It took a recent trip and a lot of self reflection for me to finally address my anxiety, and realize, like dyslexia, it is just a small small part of who I am. It doesn't define who I am, but it is a part of me, I can't help that. Accepting that has given me the ability to avidly work on myself. I now know and trust that anxiety will never control me in the way it has for most of my life, and to me, that is pretty exciting.
I couldn't have talked about or written about this a few months ago, and the fact that I can now, and share it with the world shows a lot personal progress. So with all this being said, I finally got the opportunity to write and address my anxiety, and it comes in the form of my song "Always There".
Through the verse and chorus the song addresses both my past and present relationship with anxiety. With the narrator representing my current self, and the unidentified "she" in the song representing my younger self. Through the duration of the song, the narration is sung in a deeper and more powerful voice. While my younger self if represented with a more fragile and higher toned voice.
I tried to outline my thoughts as best as I could, and here they are.
Intro: starting deeper- narrator speaking
Now I know you are there
I'll put here, so now I won't fear
20ish seconds: Youth: higher vocal
She didn't know you were there
You started small, but soon you could craw
Then you grew, and she grew too
Narrator back with that deep tone
Very well, looks like you could move
Oh, you lodged
45ish seconds: Adolescence
You lodged yourself real deep,
In her mind, and she couldn't sleep
Anytime, she closed her eyes
There you were, one of a kind
And I knew
1:08: Mirror and constant attempt to reason with self
It was just a mirror, but to you
Camouflage then appear
In her eyes, you were her demise
1: 24 Narrator
Oh truth, was something new to you
1:30- Vocal Break
someone should have told me beware
2:02- 2:36 (Bridge)
Oh you pulled me in like a tidal wave
Crash and thrash I'm not, not so safe
In here, in my head, I'm with you
thought I could be someone, someone new
But to you, I'm a toy
Don't look to close in my eyes
There might be a little sign, a little sign of you
Verse 3: Narrator
She, she didn't know you were there
But I do, and you do to
2:52: Narrator End, did not really follow these words
So beware, I've come prepared
Now I know you are there