When I was 15 years old, like most freshman girls, I was starting to grow an interest in boys. I met one right before Homecoming, and kept him for 3 years (give or take). We had good times, but we had more bad times. By no means was I innocent, because I was a version of myself I hope I never see again. Our relationship was volatile, it was toxic, and in every means it was unhealthy. Recently I have began soul searching, and I mean DEEPLY soul searching. I've began digging deep into what/who made me who I am. I kept coming to a block. I kept coming to a block that wouldn't go away, and one I obviously wasn't getting passed. I knew I had to get over it, and I had to release it. I had to release my soul of the one thing that somehow, 6 years later, had en elephant sized grip on my growth. I had to grow and move on. So here it goes... here's to the person who shaped me. Emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Emotionally, you broke me down. You made me believe that I could never be loved. You made me believe that I was nothing and that I would never be good enough. I wanted you to feel everything you made me feel, but I didn't have it in me to do that to you. The sleepless nights when I would bury my face into my pillow, leaving marks of mascara from my tears only to wake up to a repeat. I wanted you to feel not only the mental but also the physical pain that you put me through. You left me with the worst kind of hurt, the hurt that left you lying on the floor gasping for air, a feeling of brokenness that hit so deep you didn't think you'd recover from it, it left your heart aching and your stomach empty, and a sadness that made you feel weak and tired, but yet you couldn't sleep because it seeped into your dreams. I wanted you to change your outfit over and over again, so that you'd find one that you wouldn't get told something about. I wanted your heart to ache. I wanted for you to feel a knot in the pit of your stomach every time you heard my name. I wanted you to feel like your tears would never stop, and for the split second when they would, that it would only be because your body had become so numb in an attempt to try and protect itself. I wanted you to feel as broken as I did. I wanted you to think you would never find someone who could be kind, and truly love you. I wanted our break up(s) to rock you like they did me. Our disagreements led to me being crazy and dramatic. You used words no one should tell someone and you struck pain in the words you said. Nothing was ever your fault, it was always me. It came to the point where I believed I was the reason our relationship was terrible. You controlled me with the silent treatment, and you made me feel like I wasn't shit. You said you would change but you never did, you would always go back to the same person. I was consumed by nothing but negativity, disrespect, harsh words, and cruel action. And yes, I allowed this. For 3 years. I was young, I was dumb, and no one knew what they were talking about when they try and get me from you, but they were so right. I allowed you to take my quirky, my constant giggle, and my sunshine. You were a dark tunnel, and I was trying to find the light at the end of you, but it was nowhere.
At 14-16 years old, a child should be surrounded by people who mold them into the person they turn into, and I was surrounded by you. You did mold me, and now 7 years later I'm breaking that mold and I'm shaping myself into the person who I am meant to me, but don't worry. That isn't the only way you molded me. It may have been years later, but I am who I am because of you.
I love so deeply and so purely. I make people feel good about themselves. I make sure the people I care about it, know it. I radiate with a heart of gold, and I make sure people are taken care of. I don't raise my voice. I make it my personal goal to make sure that no one EVER has to recover from something I tell them. I am, to everyone, what you never were to me. I am a strong willed, God-fearing, headstrong, confident individual. I am everything you told me I would NEVER be. I will graduate college, I will be happy, and I will find a man that loves me and doesn't hurt me. I will be everything you told me I wouldn't be. So thank you. Because of you, I am the person I am. Because of you I demand respect from everyone. I demand to be treated the way I deserve, and because of you I know what I don't deserve.
I don't know what you're doing in life right now. But I hope you're doing well. I hope you're succeeding in life. I don't wish anything bad to happen to you, because I don't believe in that. I believe you deserve to find happiness and you deserve good. I believe that we were young and we shouldn't have kept trying so hard because we brought out the worst in each other. I hope you've grown as much as I have. But, I hope you treat the women in your life, every way you didn't treat me. Treat them the way I always wanted you to treat me.