Yes, you read that correctly. Halloween STILL has not come.
89.2% of Americans agree that Halloween is their favorite holiday and that all other nationally-acknowledged holidays pale in comparison. However, only 2.7% of America realizes that Halloween is still two months away. Apparently Halloween is being celebrated on October 31, 2015. I am writing this article on August 29, 2015. Since there is the entire month of September between August and October, we still have two months more before the sweet, sweet day arrives. No disrespect, but I think those statistics are spookier than any costume I saw last year. And not in a fun way.
As our days stretch endlessly before us, one haunting question remains: why is no one addressing this? As you can tell by the aforementioned dates and this calendar, it is 2015! How is it, in this day and age, that we still have elected politicians who are too afraid to start a national dialogue about this?
People of the internet, it’s up to us to spark a movement. I encourage you all to write letters to your governor imploring her or him to become more vocal about this issue. In my opinion, the state of politics would be highly improved if stances on legalizing a Halloween for the people and by the people were included as keystone talking points for all future political campaigns.
Where did fairness go? How can I believe that America can be salvaged? I pay taxes! What is going ON?!
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My dear reader, I don’t necessarily know who you are, but I bet you’ve had some tough times lately. I also bet your blues would be assuaged by a few extra Halloweens throughout the year.
Think of it; the slight chill is back in the breeze, the air is thick with adventure, sweet fun-sized treats flow from the hands of kind strangers, and adrenaline dances through your veins as you wonder about the costumed fiends that may be hiding right around the corner. For the first time in a long time, you feel alive.
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We’ve waited an eternity for Halloween to come back, so it must be tomorrow, right? WRONG. Because our government doesn’t care about us whatsoever. Participation in Halloween is the foundation of mental health. Humans need socialization. Socialization occurs at parties. Halloween has parties. The more parties you go to, the more costume compliments you will receive. I know my “Sexy Dead Pig from SAW” costume from last year was obscenely under-appreciated. I need more Halloween, and you need more Halloween.
I’m a simple woman and I would NEVER try to start unnecessary drama. But honestly, living in a world with only one Halloween per year makes me want to jump atop a blazing funeral pyre.
I know that it may be shocking news to hear that it’s still not Halloween, but you don’t need to cope in silence. I’m starting a Kickstarter so you can donate to my cause. Also feel free to start using the hashtag #constantHalloween in your tweets.
It’s time to wake up, America.