More than a Year of Negative...
Start writing a post

More than a Year of Negative...

My Pregnancy Journey

More than a Year of Negative...

Growing up, I was the oldest. My brother is nearly 6 years younger than me and my sister is 13 years my junior. While I was the typical annoying older sister to my brother, I was like a second mother to my sister. I changed her diapers, bottle fed her, cleaned up puke in the early morning hours when my parents were out of town... I was more of a mother figure, and still am, than an older sibling. Ever since she was born, I've been mistaken as her mom at school events, around her friends, and so on. As a teenager, I thought it was funny. I even took some pride in being seen as her surrogate mom at times. Even though our actual mother is an amazing woman, I felt like a mini mommy to this kiddo. I was told at a very young age I had a strong motherly instinct and would make a great mom one day.

But when I was 19 years old, I was diagnosed with PCOS. For those of you who don't know what this is, it basically means that my hormones don't communicate like they should. This leads to irregular and more painful than normal periods. Lovely side effects of this also include easy weight gain, unwanted hair, and a slue of other problems. I remember receiving the phone call from my doctor while I was driving to Fort Wayne for a summer internship. I broke down in tears after they hung up, fearful that I would never become a mom. After my next doctor's visit, she assured me that I could still get pregnant, but that it just might take more effort than the average person.

Fast forward to December of 2020. At this time, I had been married for 2 years. I remember looking down at a pregnancy test, waiting for the lines to appear. After 3 agonizing minutes, I got a negative result. We weren't trying to get pregnant at the time, but the thought of pregnancy had overjoyed my husband and I. It was at this time we decided to start trying for real. We were ready to be parents. But month after month, negative pregnancy tests just filled up my trashcan. I tried to remain positive. I knew it wouldn't happen the first try, even though I knew people who had gotten pregnant that way. But as the months went on with no luck, I began to wonder if we needed some help. I decided to speak with my doctor about getting fertility assistance. She prescribed me some medication to help regulate my periods and another medication to help increase my ability to ovulate. Each month, we increased the medicine after seeing I wasn't dropping an egg. January of this year, we finally hit the right dosage amount. I started getting positive ovulation tests and I finally felt as though our chances of pregnancy were about to skyrocket.

And that's when I believe I miscarried... One morning, I took a pregnancy test and got a faint positive. I remember still being half asleep and shaking my head, thinking I must have been dreaming. I was lost for words and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I ran to the store later that afternoon and bought more tests and a little onesie. When I got home, I tested again. This time, the line was even fainter than the first. I figured it was because my hormones weren't as high as they were in the morning and that the next day it would be darker. But, the next day came and there was no line. Another day went by, and no line again. Finally, my period started and I broke down. I had had a chemical pregnancy. Conception happened, but the fertilized egg did not implant itself. I told my husband, but hid the onesie away for when pregnancy would happen.

And that onesie is still hidden away...

My trashcan continues to fill with negative tests. Losing 20lbs and counting, cutting out dairy (as I am allergic), exercising more regularly, taking fertility medication, using PreSeed, and trying to conceive in my fertile window has still not led to the outcome I've been wanting for a year and a half now. We plan to get my husband tested, but it just hurts every single month reading that negative result. I used to be horribly depressed, and now I've become more numb. Two of my closest friends have recently become pregnant, and I couldn't be more thrilled for them. But that doesn't mean I haven't cried at night wondering, "Why not me?"... I keep telling myself that it's all God's timing, that His plan is ultimately the perfect one here. Yet I continue to question when the right time will be. Will it be next month? In the next few months? Another year? And even when I do get pregnant, will the pregnancy be normal and healthy? I pray every night that God opens my womb to conceive a child. Until then, we will keep trying. I will keep that onesie hidden away til I can pair it with a positive test to share with my husband.

If you're struggling with having a child, I see you. Know that you are not alone and that I share in your pain. Whether you've been trying a few months or several years, we can share in our feelings together. We will get through this and the negative spell will end.

Report this Content
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments