I am blessed to have the chemical imbalance that movies, tv shows, and other articles romanticize…there's no need to romanticize mental illness because it's a monster.
This past week I have been depressed when really nothing has happened. My boyfriend started a new job leaving a toxic environment and I was happy for him for a couple of hours, and then I felt numb again. My room is currently a mess, I've either eaten too much or skipped meals, and drag myself out of bed to go to class and when I'm back in my dorm room, I climb back into bed. And that's been my weekly routine so far.
Mental illness is hard on not just the person with mental illness, but it's also hard on the person you're in a relationship with. I don't know how he does it, I honestly feel like my depression makes him depressed at times, and I know I'm exhausting. Being reminded to eat, to drink water, to push through and do homework. It's like taking care of a child at times, but I need the reminders sometimes.
I find my mental illness embarrassing at times.
Like once we were at his dad's and I had a full-fledged anxiety attack in the middle of a conversation, and it was out of nowhere. I walked out of the room and into the bedroom and squished myself between the wall and the bed with the window open trying to fill my lungs with air. I was starting to hyperventilate, and I was crying because I was so embarrassed. My boyfriend, Ethan, came and sat with me and asked if I needed anything, and when I did he brought me a glass of water.
Walking back into the room after was really embarrassing because his dad apologized if it was something he caused. Some of it was (as I look back now), but if I didn't have mental illness my reaction wouldn't have been that severe.
I feel bad when my boyfriend says he'll try to cheer me up because he's the only one who can when I'm really depressed. Cat and dog pics only do so much. I need to be held, I need physical contact. I need someone to tell me I'm okay and I'm not a burden. Because right now, I feel like a really big burden. Not just me, but the baggage that comes with me. My depression and anxiety are a lot for me, and I can only imagine how it is on him.
I'm scared to live with him. I'm scared for him to see me on these bad days. I'm scared for him to see me being "lazy" (what some people call it) but for me, I'm so exhausted emotionally and mentally I can't do simple tasks. I don't want him to think I'm too much.
These are the days I wish I didn't deal with this monster every single day. I wish I could be in a relationship and do normal things like going to a party or hanging out with family without having an anxiety attack. I am so thankful for the relationship I have with my boyfriend, and on the bad days, I have to think that my mental illness has only made us closer in the end, and I am blessed to have a monster hunter by my side.