That night seems to be haunting me.
Everyday I have this replay of how it all happened, what I should have done differently, how i should have learned to say no to you a lot sooner. Lately, its been all over my mind. I think i see you out in public, but it's never really you. I think I hear your laugh or your voice but when I turn, and look over my shoulder, it's never really you. Now, my brain plays tricks into reminding me of you. My heart races, my stomach drops, & immediately i feel sick to my stomach.
You were my best friend.
Never had i had anyone that I was as close with as you. You knew everything about me, now all I do is replay that night over and over. You were standing tall above me, pushing me up against the car. I didn't know what to do, I became mute. My heart was racing and I was trying to find an out, I couldn't. "Just one kiss will make you back up" is what i told myself, but one kiss lead to two, and two lead to you forcefully touching me and forcing me to touch you back. You are stronger than I am, so, it wasn't fair. The smell of alcohol on your breath made me gag as you pushed me forcefully against the car- despite me saying stop.
You probably don't remember that do you? You don't remember me saying no, stop, knock it off. You only had one motive that night. You knew what you wanted from me, it wasn't to have "someone to talk to", at least, not this time. It could have been worse, and i'm thankful that it wasn't. I flirted back to pay along with your game, it worked. "I know you want this, I know you miss this" you whispered in my ear. I eventually pushed you away.
I couldn't breathe the whole way home, how could this have happened, how could this have happened to me, you're my best friend.
These past months this has been on my mind, everyday I look over my shoulder because I think it's you. I close my eyes at night and wake up crying because I'm reliving it all over again. My brain makes up these other stories with the same events, you showing up again and again. I want it to stop. it doesn't. I don't want to relive this anymore. You were my best friend but best friends don't abuse one another, and they sure don't try to hurt one another.
I have replied the whole scenario over and over trying to figure out how I could have seen this coming. Blaming myself for getting mixed up with you again and again. From when we first became friends, you had told me "I'm not the right guy for you", even YOU warned me to stay away. But under it all you were a good guy, and we worked. But not anymore.
I'm done letting this hurt me. I'm done reliving a night that broke a part of me. Because of you it was harder to love, harder to trust, harder to get up. But it's over now, you don't get to win.I write this not as a pity, not as a plea for an apology, but to simply say "me too". I am so thankful that nothing worse happened that night, but I now say a prayer for every girl who's nights have been worse, to every guy they trusted who turned out just to be as evil as you. I pray that someday no one will ever have to say "me too" in the way so many of us do now.
I'm done being afraid to speak up, & I'm done letting this hurt me.