Grandma Got Run Over By A William And Mary Cyclist
Start writing a post

Grandma Got Run Over By A William And Mary Cyclist

Grandma Got Run Over By A William And Mary Cyclist

Christmas season is here: a time of drinking stale eggnog, receiving oversized clothing from your extended family, and almost getting run over by bikers at William and Mary.

Although crazy bikers threaten everyone, the danger that bikers pose to the elderly is particularly acute this season because the country's aging population is out defending us during the "War on Christmas." In this battle, the weapons are Starbucks cups, and the first line of defense is the elderly.

Now, if you are a fan of generally useless statistics, you may know that there are 9 retirement communities in Williamsburg, and the number of old people here is rivaled only by the "returns" line at your local Kohl's. Unfortunately, the bikers on campus are reckless and stop for no one, which includes the elderly (a group not exactly renowned for their agility). This means that they are constantly threatened by bikers as they pass through the William and Mary campus on their way to do old-people things, like voting and eating dinner at 3:30 PM.

In fairness to the students here, bikers are only most of this campus’s transportation related problems, not all of them (see my first column). And in further fairness to students who bike to class, they aren’t all the problem either; the professional bikers dressed like mobile billboards in skin-tight clothing are just as bad.

(If the Village People were bikers, they would be these guys).

Still, my beef with cyclists is lengthy, like a receipt you from CVS for buying one item. First, they blatantly disobey the rules of the road. Well bikers, there are some laws you can’t break: the laws of physics. I’m no physicist, but basic self-preservation dictate that challenging 3500-pound cars isn’t a wise decision. And challenging drivers on campus, who are usually on their phones, is even less of a good idea (texting while driving is only OK if you’re voting on last night’s American Idol").

(CVS receipt or Martin Luther’s 95 Theses?)

I will concede that my rant probably seems unfounded as most bikers are probably pretty decent people, the type who listen to Coldplay and pay taxes. However, I have no way of really knowing this, as I am routinely cut off by them while they do the YMCA with their left hand to signal to me that they are turning. To further elaborate on why I dislike bikers, here is a rough approximation of my daily interactions with them:

9:45 a.m.: Leave for campus in my car.

9:46 a.m.: Get cut off by a biker.

9:47 a.m.: Curse humanity for the rest of my existence.

9:50 a.m.: Park, and go back to arguing with grandparents on the Fox News Facebook page.

As you can see, this is a cyclical (sorry) battle I face. Another complaint I have is that bikers on campus rarely wear helmets. Now, I like a thrill as much as the next person (sometimes I even go to Costco on the first coupon day), but as someone who has received five and a half concussions, I recognize the importance of wearing a helmet.

I think most people that don’t wear helmets are business students concerned about messing up their hair, although I wouldn’t mind if they were removed from the gene pool. But to everyone else not wearing a helmet: WEAR A HELMET. Many of you own plaid clothing and Birkenstocks, anyway, so you can’t care about how you look that much.

Because bikers are such a threat, I am suggesting some ways to limit them:

1. Make not traveling in the bike lane punishable by death (or as we at W&M say: Intro to Biology).
2. Only allow them to run 5 stop signs per day.
3. Ignore them and go back to arguing with grandparents on the Fox News Facebook page -- the ones who haven't been run over yet, anyway.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments