1.

To save on electro-shock therapy, instead invest in a toaster and an oversized bathtub! Simply take a bath, plug in the toaster, and drop the toaster into the bath with you! The water surrounding you will send the electrical impulses into every nook and cranny in your body! Imagine, the healing impact of electro-shock therapy, spread all over your being! Your life will never be the same!

2.

When falling great distances whilst not exactly wanting to fall great distances, start screaming! Screaming is fun because it eases tension! Also, it will get rid of all that air in your body which is making you weigh more! We all know a feather falls slower than a brick, and that’s because it weighs less! And since feathers remain intact, and bricks do not, you can assume that feathers survive because they are lighter! If you scream enough, you will be light enough to not meet your certain demise! Yay, screaming!

3.

Is your ice cream too hard to scoop? Is it too frozen? Does it keep bending your spoons and giving your arm more of a workout than you bargained for? Well, look no further than the microwave! Just put the spoon in the microwave and set it on high for ten seconds, and the spoon will glide right through the frozen cold ice cream like butter! This is the hottest new tip!

4.

Is your cat acting sad and distant? It may be suffering from crippling depression! How do you remedy this, you may ask? Do you change its diet? Give it more time outdoors? Some may say this is so, but these people are full of complete and utter bull crap! Cats are social species, so they require constant love and affection. For a full day, I recommend following your cat everywhere, hugging it, petting it, and screaming words of encouragement at it. This will ONLY work if done for a solid 24 hours. If you TRULY love your cat, do this.

5.

Axe murder.