Fall Guys vs. Spring Guys: The Ultimate Rivalry
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Politics and Activism

Fall Guys vs. Spring Guys: The Ultimate Rivalry

Fall Guys vs. Spring Guys: The Ultimate Rivalry

Yankees vs. Red Sox, Packers vs. Bears and Wolverines vs. Buckeyes are some of the nation’s most highly respected rivalries today. Though there is one rivalry that predates all of those. Going at each other's throats since the 1800s, this rivalry holds a long, gruesome history and it doesn't look like its going away anytime soon. 

Which rivalry am I referring to?

Fall guys vs. spring guys.

To get a better look into the unique dynamic the two different pledge classes share, I invited an unnamed male who pledged in the fall and an unnamed male who pledged in the spring to participate in a roundtable discussion. I had the two meet me in an undisclosed location, and thus began to moderate between the two sides of the tracks. 

“Let’s make this quick, I have a pledge class pair with Pi Phi in 30 minutes,” the fall guy muttered as he took a seat at the table. The spring guy shook his head and sighed. 

The discussion then began.

Adam Marshall: Welcome to the first annual fall and spring discussion! I’m Adam Marshall and I will be your moderator today. 

Fall guy: Shut up.

Spring guy: Show some respect.

Fall guy: Why don't you go pledge in the fall?

Adam Marshall: Enough. First question goes to the spring guy. Spring guy, what is your opening statement?

Spring guy: For once, a fall guy will be met with the spring awakening. It is a big day for our race. One that will go down in the books as the day that us spring guys across the nation began our movement towards equality. 

Adam Marshall: Fall guy, your response?

Fall guy: I got to party during the second semester of my freshman year.

Adam Marshall: Stop it.

Spring guy: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. 

Adam Marshall: One more wise crack from either side and we will end this discussion. 

Fall guy: Psh, Mr. Shrimp-Dick up here, thinking he owns the place. 

Spring guy: I hate to ask this, Adam, but are you even in a fraternity? 

Fall guy: Ha ha, nice.

Spring guy: Thanks.

Adam Marshall: Will you two please behave? This is getting out of hand.      

Spring guy: The only thing that is out of your hand is a girl’s hand, since you probably are lonely and sad. 

Fall guy: Wow, that was weird, even for a spring guy, but I like it. (The two then high five'd).

Adam Marshall: You two are being incredibly unprofessional, and I will be contacting IFC if you two don’t stop misbehaving.      

Fall guy: Hey, Adam.    

Adam Marshall: Yes?     

(The fall guy then lifted up the left side of his rear and proceeded to fart.)

Spring guy: Woooo!

Just as I was about to smack the fall guy upside his head, the fart entered my nostrils, and due to the putrid scent, I was instantly sedated. 

Five hours later, I awoke. Cold and dizzy, I turned on the lights in the pitch-black room. But as I was looking for my jacket to leave, I noticed my reflection in the window. 

There were at least 40 penises drawn on my face with a permanent marker. 

Every variation of the male organ you can imagine were scattered across my forehead and cheeks. Stunned and saddened, I had to look away. As I grabbed my jacket, I saw that there was something written on the back of my left hand. 

“Sincerely, Fall & Spring guy.”

My frown quickly evolved into a smile as I realized the importance behind the message. 

For once in history, a fall guy and a spring guy agreed on something. While yes, it was through the mutual hate of myself, I still saw the bigger picture. 

Even though I’m continually referred to as “Peter Pan” by most of my professors (Sharpies are hard to rub off), I still pride myself in the great accomplishment that I achieved that day. I can confidentially say I now join greats such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi as one of the most prestigious civil rights leaders of recent time.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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