Look at you!
Wow. You're pretty much just the best person ever. Maybe even the best person in the world.
I can certainly tell you think you're the best person on the Internet. And by "the Internet," I mean Facebook, 'cause what else do you even use the Internet for?
Facebook tells us the weather. It tells us about current news stories and politics. It tells us which recipes are the best, what kind of clothes are the best, and what kind of lifestyle is best.
But most importantly, it tells us that you are the best.
And if you're the best, that means you're right—about everything.
I can't believe there are people in this universe that would ever disagree with you! Obviously, your opinion is the only thing that matters, so why shouldn't everyone just live the way you live? The sheer audacity of some people to even entertain the idea that they know what's best for themselves honestly astounds me.
Like seriously, why are some people even allowed to think for themselves? You're well educated on a wide array of subjects after thinking really hard about what your opinion on any given matter is and reading so many article headlines. Of course, it's your job to share your valuable information with everyone sitting at the computer or staring at their phone just waiting with bated breath to read what you think.
I, for one, am in constant anticipation every day to read your status updates. I'm so so so excited every time you share a Now This video or a BuzzFeed article about society's most pressing issues.
And I can't wait to find and read all your comments on my friends' posts too. Somebody has to correct everybody on every small grammar mistake, missed detail, or wrong opinion. You're obviously the best person for this important task.
Sometimes I wonder if my life is really benefitting from being a part of the Facebook community. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be okay without the constant stream of information and pictures of pets. But then I realize I'd also be missing out on your wonderful insights into any given person's life!
I don't know what I'd do without your comments on other Facebook posts that explain how you experienced something similar, but better. What else in life could impress me like your comments? How else will I know that there is somebody out there who's better than me? What will I have to compare myself to and maybe live up to one day—if ever?
Maybe one day, my life will be just as great and fulfilling as yours. One day, I'll realize that you were always right. One day, I'll realize that life would be so much easier if I just let other people think for me.
But for now, I don't mind thinking for myself.
So from the bottom of my heart, congratulations. You're better than me. And your Facebook comments prove it.