When experiencing a breakup it's almost impossible to see the good in the situation. Through all the tears, anger, and frustration you might feel like your world is caving in and you are losing a best friend. I know I felt this way after dealing with my first major breakup. I was in shock when we broke up and I would have never seen it coming. We were happy three days before, from what I could tell and I knew the breakup wasn't my fault. Still, I felt like I could mend it up myself and fix everything. Long story short, I was naive. After turning to various online tarot readings, listening to a fair amount of Paramore, and bargaining with myself to text him or not, I started reflecting on my situation and reminiscing on my relationship with my ex. Through this, it became very clear that who I thought I was in love with was an idea of someone that I projected. I will cherish all the times I spent with this person, but at the end of the day, I will never know what he was thinking throughout the course of our entire relationship.
When I first started reflecting back to every moment in our relationship I started creating a monster out of the person I was dating. I found the good qualities in him and twisted them into scales and thorns. I turned the person I knew into another person that I could never love and hated. This was toxic. By doing this, I turned the relationship I was in, into something it was not. I created a new story, but this one was fiction.
If I weren't a master ruminator, I would have left it at that and concluded that the person I was dating was a terrible person overall with no redeeming qualities, but creating a monster out of someone who truly treated me well for the time we spent together just didn't sit well with me. I knew there was more to consider. Creating an entirely new person from one terrible situation that resulted in our breakup was not going to work. He wasn't a monster, just a flawed person and perception is what fluctuated my view. Throughout all the moments we spent together one thing is true, I will never know what he was thinking and by creating my own conspiracies of what he was thinking I wasn't being fair.
On the other side of things, I wasn't treated fair in this situation and I think It's important that my voice is heard. I could have never known what was truly going on in my now ex's head because he never communicated these concerns with me in the beginning. I'm not a mind reader, so I would have never known what he was thinking. It hurts so much to know someone I opened up to so much wasn't opening up to me, leaving me vulnerable while he remained guarded. Things were good for a period, but they would never strengthen because he put everything on the line at once, making me feel like I never knew him fully until we broke up. I will probably never know all the sides of the person I was dating, but by recognizing that I'm able to grow from a situation that could have ended much worse.
I'm thankful for the moments I was able to spend with this person, even if some of these moments could be seen as superficial. The moments were happy memories and even if he sacrificed his own insecurities, we created something beautiful for a while. The car rides were joyous and forehead kisses warmed me. Still, no person is perfect and through recognizing the faults that were present in this relationship, I am ultimately growing and becoming a better person. I miss the memories and the person I thought he was. He was a part of my life and I can't help but express my gratitude. I am spinning my own web but, I couldn't do it without him.
