From an age where we still dream of dragons, princesses, and arch villains, we are taught to answer “what do you want to be when you grow up”, then it leads into “what college are you thinking of?” and avalanches into what seems like a vault of questions that you didn't expect. I would have said ballerina or some form of royalty when I was five but if you fast forward to now, I might give you a shrug and reply with a content “I don’t know.”
As we buckle under the weight of deadlines, word counts, and monotonous school work there's an underlying pressure to figuring out what the next three years will look like when we don’t even know what to expect the next day. There’s a pressure to have a fully formed articulate answer when we’re asked what we want to do after we graduate when there’s a raw instinct to scream that we don’t know. (For those of you that DO know, wanna share your wisdom with us?)
However, in the midst of reluctant head shaking, nervous handshakes, and hazy questioning; there’s something beautiful in the struggle of struggling. There’s beauty in the unknown. Sure, I love it when I know what I want to do, I feel empowered even if it’s as simple as knowing how my day is going to look. I love to know, I love to be in the right, I love to have things happen in my way. However, as I state these naive “loves”, I am reminded that life is not a correlation between my happiness and whether if things worked out my way or not. Instead, I am reminded of the chaos that has led me to where I am now. We forget that our lives are a messy palette of somber blues, sunset reds, marigold yellows, fresh cut greens, and every messy color in between. We forget that it’s okay to admit that you’re not okay.
With store-bought calendars, planners, organization apps, and notebooks penciled in with various events; we exemplify habit and selfishness. We have an innate instinct to want things to happen a certain way and when that doesn’t happen, we critique, analyze, and ruminate. We ask and pray for answers and we put our future in the hands of our next grade, our next paycheck, our next man-made sculpture of happiness. When these things don’t happen, we’re left seeking for our next outlet of self-affirmation.
I find myself looking down when I’m having a bad day, I look down in shame, angst, and avoidance. In these times, it’s valuable to remember that you’re part of a bigger picture, even when it isn’t the one you imagined. While it’s okay to recognize that you didn’t get what you want, however, resonate with the fact that life isn’t an easy drive. Tell yourself again and again that you’re infinitely valuable to the people around you even when you don’t see it. Maybe you don’t have the power to control what happens in your life, but you have the power to choose how you want to deal with it. So look up, look left, and look right. Look at the world and know that there are places that you haven’t seen, people you haven’t met, and things you haven’t done. Look at the people around you and understand that you are loved. Your worth isn’t in earthly things, and I’m not going to tell you what your worth is. That’s all up to you.
