I'm tired. I am very tired. I can't pretend that I don't hide things. I'm terrified of looking crazy, too emotional - terrified of worrying the people I know that worry about me. I can't pretend that I don't cry in my car at night. I can't pretend the stress blisters on my fingers aren't there. Sometimes my jaw aches from clenching so hard that there are permanent bite marks on my tongue. Sometimes I beg myself to just be normal.
Even now I hate this, I'm terrified that by putting this out there people will question my stability. I'm convicting myself, attesting to how I'm certifiable. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be and it's more recognizable now. But it gets better until it's not. Sometimes the worst part of that is that there's nothing wrong. I'll get something in my head that I can't let go of that somehow implants deeper until I just can't get rid of it. I'll know it isn't true but it tells me lies. It tells me I'm crazy, that no one loves me. It makes my chest clench just thinking of it.
"Oh, you're upset again?"
"You're crying again?"
"They don't want to hear what you have to say - why would they?"
"You can't help anyone."
It's a virus. A tumor that there is no cutting out. Sometimes it's exhausting when it hits you at your weak moments. It's like it knows when you're at your most vulnerable. Like it gets off at the thought of knowing everything you try to pretend isn't there. You can't hide from yourself.
Toxic is a word to me that has become toxic even just thinking about it. Out of everything I beg not to be toxic. I try not to indulge in these thoughts but sometimes they need to be entertained in order to process. I hear myself think these things and over and over accompanied by what-is-wrong-with-you's? I hear them and I realize how ridiculous they sound and it causes so much doubt. This isn't who I am or who I want to be. This isn't what I went through so much pain to perpetually be. The people around me deserve so much better.
For those who are in the same boat, you know that there is nothing glamorous about these issues. It's not a matter of flipping a switch. You can't always talk yourself down from it but it is never for attention. If anything I want the opposite. I hide and it's infuriating.
There is nothing fun about watching loved ones watch you mentally tear yourself apart. There is nothing fun about spending hours looking for pointless apps on the app store because you can't get back to what you're doing until each page on your phone is equally filled. There is nothing fun about having to experiment with different anti-depressants just to attempt a grasp at normalcy.
It's not fun constantly running a mental filter to be able to identify every possible scenario that could play out to make someone, not like you. To be able to go out with friends and maintain relationships without feeling like a flake or a downer. Or worse, a coward. Spending hours and hours trying to sort through the tornado in your brain wondering why you have no energy when all you've done is get coffee.
It's not fun to be so unsure of yourself you create levels of resentment because of the number of times you've watched a situation play out that you could've stopped if it's wasn't for fear of confrontation. And the anger of acting this way day after day when you know you're not a doormat.
The guilt that you feel when you have panic attacks for no good reason, or when you have no energy making you cancel all of your plans or the number of times that I haven't been able to sit down until I straightened a picture over and over again. There is nothing glamorous about that. It's torture and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
But this is me and that is all I can give. That isn't shameful and it doesn't negate feelings or ideas. My anxiety allows me to have killer intuition and empathy that I pride myself on. I love myself and I am unbelievably happy. I have moments of weakness and I always regret them. I apologize for them. But my life is great and I am blessed beyond belief. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends.
Everyone in my life that has shown me kindness is an individual ray of sunshine and I am always blinded. Normal is boring. Fear is boring. I have no desire to dwell or be negative because there is no reason to be. We have our crosses to bear - that's okay, but my life doesn't need to pass by because of it.
