When you're little, the worst disease you are used to hearing about is cancer. Growing up even without any knowledge of what exactly cancer was, you knew it was something you didn't want anyone you loved to have. Cancer is without a doubt one of the worst things to see someone go through, but sometimes a new word comes along and you dont quite get it.. Alzheimer's.
Usually at first, its not that big of a deal right? Okay so your grandpa forgot where he put his keys, or accidentally forgot if he took his medicine or not, but hes just old, old people just forget things naturally right? I wish thats really all it was.
Sadly, for some people thats not all it was. Alzheimers is truly one of the most heart breaking things someone can experience in my opinion. It's so hard seeing someone you love so much slowly fade away more and more until they're completely gone, but physically still here. It's truly the longest and slowest heartbreak someone can experience.
I remember the last time i heard my great grandpa (grandpa Archie) say my name. I hold on to that memory so much its not even funny. Now looking back, that was about 6 or 7 years ago. Now, im not sure what situation other people are in, or who yall might be experiencing the same heartbreak with but one thing i do know is that its NOT selfish in any way shape or form to wonder sometimes, "God, why dont you just take him. You know if he knew he couldnt even use the bathroom on his own he wouldn't want to be here, if he knew everything hes done and said to the ones he loves most he would be humiliated, he would be so hurt so WHY" and honestly thats not something to beat yourself up about wondering sometimes. The fact is we are ALL human, we all have wonders like that especially when you feel SO helpless.
Sometimes you look back, and you can see every single stage. It starts with something small, and it slowly gets worse and worse and then it just never stops getting worse and you just wonder to yourself where the time has gone and why cant you do anything about it? Why isnt there a cure for something so serious, and if there is (which i of course think theres got to be SOMETHING out there) what can you do about it when its too late? You go from someone who couldnt say a sentence without cracking some type of joke to now someone who literally cant speak, cant eat, cant use the bathroom alone, and can barely look you in the eyes.
Sometimes, something so small can be so big to you. For example, i believe that even if your loved one doesnt remember your name or even how you're related, they just KNOW they love you. I believe that sometimes they do realize they have Alzheimers and even if its just for a split second, they are THERE. Any time those 3 little words " i love you" are said, it makes your heart fill up with so much hope, even if they completely forget about it the next 5 seconds. It makes you look at life in a completely different way and realize this is real. This is actually something that happens every single day, and theres NOTHING you can do about it so of course you're going to feel helpless, but how can you not? YOU'RE HUMAN.
The big picture is even if you dont think theres any hope left, even if you can only see your loved one every now and then for a few minutes before you know youre going to break down, and even if you cant bare to see them at all, IT IS OKAY. Sadly its something you will learn to cope with and if youre a believer like me, you know once that bridge is crossed they are going to be back to the normal funny, brutality honest, loving and selfless person you knew at one time, whenever it is that time comes.
My thoughts & prayers go out to anybody who has dealt or is dealing with this, and just know you are not alone. You are still so so loved, even if you arent being told anymore.
