Here is a brief list of things that I would gladly rather do than become a student at the University of Arkansas:

1. Friend-zone my crush

2. Eat raw chocolate

3. Say "bomb" on an airplane

4. Sit through an entire bass solo

5. Watch paint dry

6. Watch dry paint

7. Paint a dryer

8. Shave my head, and then glue each individual hair back onto my scalp

9. Talk about fight club

10. Kick a horse in the flank

11. Hair-dry a painter

12. Introduce a painter to a hair-dryer

13. Hear my parents tell me that I was adopted

14. Find out that my dog only really loves me for the treats

15. Say "hello" to Scar Face's little friend

16. Be the window of a Starbucks building while there's a protest

17. Skip leg day for the rest of my life

18. Pay retail for a pair of Oakleys

19. Drive a Corvette with a Prius engine

20. Drive a Prius with a Prius engine

21. Go mountain biking with a road bike with no suspension

22. Go drag racing without brakes or a parachute

23. Run a marathon while barefoot

24. Run a marathon with shoes on

25. Watch Drake dance at a family reunion

26. Tame a wild boar

27. Pay retail for my own artwork

28. Watch Jersey Shore

29. Wear a Dodgers jersey to a Cardinals game in St. Louis

30. Attend John Brown University