I recently found myself in a casual dating scenario. At our first date, he mentioned how he liked being able to casual date after being tied down for so long and I knew that it was not going to work out between us. However, the pull of the universe maybe, or just how damn attractive he is, kept me there. It pulled me back to his place that night, and it pulled me on many other dates after that. I never liked the idea of casual dating or dating multiple people at once, but I decided to try it out and see if maybe I will change my mind.

One day, he made a comment to me as we were leaving to go to dinner. He said is "type" was butch; girls who dressed manly and had shaved heads. I stopped and just looked at him and really didn't know what to say. I hate that the first thought through my head was I should change how I dress and cut my hair short. It definitely hurt for him to say that because I knew that I wasn't classified as "his type." However, I wanted it to work out between us so bad that I was willing to change my appearance for him. It is a couple weeks later and I just want to say that no one should EVER feel like they need to change for someone to like them. If they do not like you for who you are, they are not the one. The problem that I have is my anxiety likes to tell me that I will never find anyone and I will end up alone. If I do end up finding someone or dating someone, my anxiety will tell me that if I loose them I will never find anyone else.

I am working on changing my thoughts and finding tools to reverse this thinking. If you are having trouble with these kind of thoughts, here is what I have to say to your anxiety produced thoughts: You are not desperate for love. You are stunning, incredible smart, kind and just overall amazing. Anyone would be honored to have the chance to be in your presence let alone date you. You are a work of art, bb and you have the right to be picky about the individuals you date. Do not sacrifice the uniqueness of yourself for the love of another. Do not let your anxiety tell you otherwise; I know its hard because my anxiety is telling me the opposite as I write this. Remember that staying in a toxic and/or unhealthy relationship is worse than being single. There are so many things you can experience in life, and you should not be more worried about love. Focus on loving yourself and being confident about your beauty and intelligence. I do not think that you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else, but I do think self love is crucial in all aspects in life.

The ironic thing about that last paragraph is that that is what I want to say to my anxiety. I want to be able to be picky in the people I date and not stick in a casual dating situation because I am afraid I won't find anything better. I just know that eventually everything will work out. Whether you believe in a god, higher power, or even the universe, everything will work out. It just takes time. Take some time to find a new hobby or to work on building that confidence. I am working on feeling better from the inside out. I am doing a whole lifestyle change in my eating habits and my exercise habits. I am focusing on being healthy on the inside so I can feel confident about the outside.

This is for you, Braxton. I know you didn't mean to intentionally to hurt my feelings and in return lower my self esteem lower than it already was. I hope that you understand the consequences of the things you say because one day, you won't be casually dating. You might be in a serious relationship and say the wrong thing. More importantly, I hope you know that whatever the reasoning is behind making that comment, I will never change how I look for you. I will never change for you. I am eating right and working out for myself. I started buying clothes I feel good in without looking at the sizing, for myself. I hope you can grow with me on this journey and understand this.