Rape always has a cause and there is only one.
Rapists.
That's it. Rapists are the cause of rapes. Nothing else is to blame. Not what someone is wearing and not what someone is drinking. It's time to put the responsibility of rapes back where it belongs.
When worse comes to worst is not the right time to to prepare yourself to help a victim of sexual violence.
Sexual assault is the subject that everyone would prefer to skirt entirely.
The violence of the crime, the commonality of it in today's society and the ramifications it causes all make rape and sexual assault not so easy to talk or even think about. It's easy to put distance in between your mind and this reality, telling yourself "that's the kind of thing that only happens to other people."
I cannot stress enough how important this step is.
I learned in a sexual assault survivor support group while recovering from my own rapes that if the first person a victim confides the assaults in does not believe them, there's only a 1 percent chance that they'll report the assault to authorities.
Besides that, it's important to consider all they may be risking by confiding the assault in anyone. Most rapes and sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, so survivors could be outing the true nature of their romantic relationships, might lose their jobs or even risk sustaining more physical harm from the attacker.
This is why it is so important to believe right away. Many think that to believe immediately is to choose to overlook facts when actually only between 2 and 8 percent of reported rapes are false.
Even if they tell you they were abducted and abused by a flock of alien geese with the bodies of Danny Devito, confiding trauma is a huge step for survivors, so validation is the easiest way to show your support.
After an attack, often times people might feel violated, disempowered and victimized.
Because of this, tone is everything. Instead of insisting to take them somewhere—be it a crisis center, hospital, police station or even out for a beer—it's better to explain that these are your recommendations and why instead of issuing a command. Phrasing like "You need to," or "I'm going to take you," further take the power away from the victim instead of allowing them some measure of control when they've just been forced into a situation without any.
Equally important is to give them as much physical space as they need. Even if it might be coming from a place of love and support, insisting that the person touch you with a hug, hand-hold or even shoulder pat after experiencing trauma related to their body might do more harm than good. Even if you know the person and that's typically their go-to in terms of typical lines of support, check first before making any moves.
In the event of a rape, evidence can still be collected from a rape kit up to 72 hours after the assault has occurred, and sometimes even past that. With that said, if at all possible, you should encourage the victim not to bathe or clean anything related to the assault before going to the hospital.
While a trip to the hospital is neither typical nor always needed in terms of the physical health of the victim, it is better to be safe than sorry and try to avoid disrupting DNA evidence in case they make the decision to report the crime later down the line. However, as mentioned above, this decision should never be made for them, and it is typical for victims to want to bathe immediately after being subjugated to sexual violence. If the victim has already bathed, advising a trip to the hospital is still a good move.
Finally, if possible, clothing and other articles that could be considered evidence should be carefully stored in a paper bag if the victim is OK with it, as these too can be examined for evidence if they choose to press charges.
To believe is one thing, but it's another to know just what that sounds like.
The key element in communicating with survivors is to start in empathy and not to stray from that for whatever reason. Below are some examples of phrases and questions which are commonly used in conversations with survivors but can inadvertently make the situation that much worse.
Blaming and Shaming:
"Why were you there in the first place?"
"I thought you were smarter than that."
or
"I told you they were no good and to be careful."
Minimizing the Event:
"I've heard that can happen. You should be fine."
"That doesn't sound that bad."
"It'll all be OK."
"At least they didn't..."
or
"It could've been worse."
General No-No's That Are Pretty Well Known, But Can't Hurt To Be Reiterated:
"What were you wearing?"
"How much did you have to drink?"
"You didn't try to fight back?"
"Had you hooked up before?"
All of these, even if meant well, take the blame off of the perpetrator and onto the victim. Despite the factors the victim may or may not have contributed to setting the scene, it is the fault of the perpetrator and theirs alone for committing the act. No one but yourself can be held responsible for your own actions, as no one has ever sexually assaulted themselves, nor has anyone ever been "asking for it" (What does that even mean? "Can I get a little more trauma and violation of personal sovereignty? I need a little more of that in my life. Please and thank you!") The only factor that matters is the attacker's decision to commit a crime.
Instead of blaming, minimizing or trying to contextualize what happened, your first and foremost concern should be their physical well being (it should go without saying that there would be a mental and emotional effect.) The most straight-forward way to address this is with a simple, "Are you hurt?" or "Do you need to see a doctor? I can drive you or come along if need be."
After this has been assessed, here are some phrases most survivors (myself during my recovery, certainly) would probably appreciate hearing:
"I'm so sorry that happened to you."
Disclaimer: This should be used with discretion. While this reaction was heaven-sent during my recovery, if the main reaction you're seeing from the victim is anger, it could incite a stronger one, now aimed at you.
"How can I help you?" or "What do you need from me?"
"I'm here to talk if you need it.", "Do you want me to sit/stay here with you for a bit?" or "Let me know if you need a minute/some space."
Then, once they're ready: "If you want, we can talk about your options."
The best way to help someone after they've been assaulted is to know the resources available to them as the victim and yourself as an ally.
As mentioned before, the best first-step after hearing the victim out is to go to the hospital. It's important to note that if a person goes to the hospital and receives treatment for rape or sexual assault, there is no mandate that they must then report the assault to authorities. Even if a rape kit is performed, that can be kept as evidence if the victim chooses to report at a later date or not be used at all.
The other benefit of going to the hospital is that the medical professionals there will have a more comprehensive knowledge of the area's therapy, crisis center and counseling options which can be utilized to address the victim's mental health.
If someone does choose to report, there are a few avenues they may take. However, college students have the majority of options available to them.
For one, if both the victim and the accused are students at any state university, reporting can be pursued through the Title IX department. Even if the parties go to different universities, the schools' departments can still work together to pursue justice. Every state school has one, and it's their jobs to address and investigate sexual misconduct on college campuses. Through this, the victim may choose to pursue disciplinary action or else simply report the attack to attain any protections that may be needed. Moreover, if they choose to report but opt out of an official investigation, this report can be considered in other accusations of sexual misconduct levied against the perpetrator in the future which betters their chances of being found guilty.
University Police departments are similar in that a victim may report and pursue charges or else report merely for their own safety. However, the actions taken by University Police differ from campus-to-campus, so a comprehensive understanding of their policies should be accessed through the school's official website.
Finally, anyone, whether student or otherwise, can report to a standard police department in the area the incident took place. As with the two above options, a victim has the choice between the two types of reporting. However, criminal investigations differ from those of student misconduct, so victims and allies are encouraged to consult a Victim's Advocate for more information. These individuals are trained in offering information, dealing with the specific needs of victims, providing resources and offering support for a victim if a criminal investigation is pursued.
After having an open dialogue with the survivor, and after they may or may not have pursued one of the various resources, it's easy to wish that the whole event never happened. However, the best way to be there for a survivor is to keep the line of communication open.
People deal with trauma in many different ways, so it's important to keep the empathetic address of anything that might happen next.
While it might seem that they're "fine", or they're obviously not, you've already followed every step available to you to help them. Therefore, you're most effective now to remain an open and nonjudgmental avenue for them to turn to if they need to talk, cry or ask advice. While you should still encourage them to seek professional help, being there as part of their support system can be more helpful than they let on.
I've seen both sides of the coin—spiraling as a victim, and helping out as an advocate—but even I can't give a totally comprehensive guide to what to do in these kinds of situations. With that said, I strongly recommend referencing more official channels of getting information.
Sam Houston State University's Title IX department has links to resources and information covering a vast range of misconduct, sexual or otherwise, that may be helpful.
If you are not a student, many domestic abuse shelters feature similar opportunities to learn, whether on their websites or through events, programs and campaigns.
Finally, as this Sexual Assault Awareness Month continues on, I encourage everyone to seek out a local calendar of events so you can either teach, learn, share your story or hear others'. Like I said before when worst comes to worst is not the right time to prepare yourself, so use this month and the efforts of advocates everywhere to be ready.
April is sexual assault awareness month
During sexual assault awareness month, and there are so many campaigns one can get involved in! Here are five of my very favorites.
Denim Day is a campaign that began after a ruling by the Italian Supreme Court where a rape conviction was overturned because the justices felt and assumed that because the victim was wearing tight jeans, she must have helped him remove them, thereby implying consent.
The next day, women in the Italian Parliament were so angry that they showed up to work the next day in jeans in solidarity with the victim. Ever since then, this campaign exploded with millions of participants each year. This year's date for Denim Day is April 24th, 2019!
Go get you denim guys and gals!
It's On Us was launched in September of 2014 as a national movement to end sexual assault. It's On Us is meant to engage everyone and asks everyone - parents, students, community leaders, companies, and organizations - to make a change and recognize that the conversation starts with us. It starts with our friends, our churches; government buildings, the workplace. We all have a part to play and a conversation to have.
Take Back The Night is the first worldwide effort to combat sexual violence and violence against women. The '70s brought the issue of violence against women to the forefront of demanding resources and safety for women. The Take Back The Night Foundation has helped communities plan many events, conferences, and they offer internships.
Red My Lips is an international nonprofit organization which raises visibility and awareness about the realities and the prevalence of sexual violence. They run an annual global awareness and action campaign where supporters rock red lipstick as a way to show solidarity with victims.
End Rape On Campus works to end campus sexual violence through direct support for survivors and their communities; prevention through education; and policy reform at the campus, local, state, and federal levels.
No matter what, get involved. Whether that is within your community or on a federal level, get involved.
Trigger warning: Rape/Sexual Assault
Grey's Anatomy has a knack for tackling hard topics over its 15 season run and Season 15, Episode 19 was no stranger to the hard stuff.
They tackled their biggest topic yet, with three different story-lines intermingling within the one-hour standalone episode.
"Silent All These Years," which was the title of the episode, saw Jo Karev, Ben and Doctor Bailey Warren, and Abby dealing with sexual assault and consent. There were too many powerful and incredible moments that happened within the one-hour episode, so I am definitely going to miss some, but here are some of the things that moved me to tears.
The beginning of the episode starts out with Doctor Jo Karev finally coming face to face with the woman who she believes is her biological mother, Vicki. Jo has questions and is able to convince Vicki to have one conversation with her and then she will never have to see her again. Jo is angry, during the conversation, until Vicki gives Jo information about her father. Jo learns that she was the product of rape. Jo's mother was raped by her TA while she was in college. She goes on to say that it took her years to finally call it rape,
"I actually had to work to calling it rape, to begin with, because I did say yes to the date, and I did say yes to getting in that car. Someone, somewhere along the way, a man most likely decided they wanted to qualify this word rape be it "date rape," acquaintance rape, somehow it isn't as real unless it happens to a woman running through the park at night or walking down a dark alley. Somehow because I knew him what he took from me didn't matter, but it did. I found a way to hear that; I found a way to believe that, and I found a way to move forward."
This is hugely important because it highlights something big, that even statistically holds up: Majority of rapes and assaults happen between two people who know each other. Does it happen between two people who have no connection to one another, of course, but a lot of society tries to make it the majority when it isn't. At the end of the day, rape is rape, no matter who the perpetrator is.
Sometime after the heartbreaking conversation between Jo and Vicki, Jo is back to work when a woman stumbles in seeming confused and has a cut across her head. Jo immediately senses that something is off and takes the woman where she needs to go and begins treating her. An obvious sign that this is more than just a cut is that when a male doctor walks in, Abby grabs Jo's hand tightly and has a look of absolute fear. She begins to suspect domestic violence and Abby eventually shows her the bruising all over her body and tells her that she was sexually assaulted the night before at a bar by an unknown man. This is what Abby had to say when Jo brought up the idea of doing a rape kit.
"We all know if I do that kit it ends up in the back of some police station ignored for years. While I sit there wondering when a bomb will go off waiting to see if a jury of my peers will believe -- will believe a woman who wore a skirt a few inches too short, who had a few cocktails too many at a bar last night after having a fight about laundry with her husband. And you know the tequila I drank will make it my fault, and whoever did this to me whatever he drank, that'll be his excuse. Is your kit going to convince them I wasn't flirting at the bar? If I give them my story, my underwear will it prove to them or to my husband that I didn't cheat on him or made up some story just to save my own ass? Will your kit do that?"
The things that Abby is referring to happen all of the time in sexual assault cases. Rape kits sit on shelves, untouched or even thrown out. Women are constantly blamed for their own assaults, with society saying, "You shouldn't have been drinking/wearing that outfit."
Alcohol condemns a woman's actions, while that same alcohol will be the excuse of the perpetrator, "He was drinking, he had no idea what he was doing."
The idea that any person could be asking for it because of what they were drinking, doing, or wearing is completely unacceptable. Want to know who to blame for rape? Rapists. That's who you blame for rape.
That rape kit scene. Not everyone realizes how much actually goes into a rape kit and how traumatic it can truly be for victims and survivors.
Before doctors Karev and Teddy begin the rape kit, they have to hear a verbal yes. They have to have Abby's consent before they can move on to the next component of the rape kit. They tell her, if she wants them to stop, they will stop. If Abby wants to continue, they will continue. Once the rape kit was finished, Abby felt apart and Jo held her as she did.
Rape kits are traumatic, but I am so thankful for the writers. I am thankful they did not cut this scene; they showed it for what it is and that is important.
Probably the most emotional, tear-jerking scene I have ever watched on TV.
Abby needs surgery but is overwhelmed and panicking about seeing her abusers face because she saw his face on every male's face, and she pleaded with, "Please, I can't see his face. Please, don't make me see his face." That is when Jo did something incredibly spectacular. She had every female staff paged to line the walls so that Abby did not have to see the face of her abuser.
This is such a moment of solidarity not just for Abby, but for every person who is a victim of sexual assault. This scene simply said, "You are not alone, this was not your fault, and we have your back."
Finally, probably one of the more wholesome scenes within the episode surrounds Tuck and Ben in a dinner. Ben is teaching his son, Tuck, about consent.
Earlier in the episode, you see what brings this conversation to the surface and that is Tuck tells his parents he can't go with them later because he "has a thing, with a girl." His parents drop him off and watch him walk over to a girl and put his arm around her; this prompts the conversation you see at the end of the episode.
You see the two bond over burgers and fries while Ben explained, "You pay attention to the girl you're with. You need to care about her feelings and her joy at least as much as you care about your own. And she gets to change her mind at any time. If she says stop or if she stops having fun. You just plain stop. Time-out. Game over."
Ben used a sports analogy to connect with Tuck in explaining that if both teams are playing and one of them calls a time-out, that's it. you stop. Ben goes on to say, "No matter how much fun they're having, everything stops. That's consent."
What an important conversation to be had and seen on TV in a society where we don't see those conversations actually happening. The way the conversation came about to was so easy and nonchalant. Ben talked to Tuck about consent in an easy to understand and age appropriate manner and that was really cool to see.
Fans and critics of the show have said that this is one of, if not, the most powerful episode of Grey's Anatomy that has been aired. It was tasteful and mindful. It addressed the issue without shaming victims and did not back down from their position and how they wanted the episode to run.
If you have been victimized, please know that you are not alone. There are so many resources out there if you don't feel comfortable sharing with someone in your life.
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Whether you're a survivor or not, sexual assault is everyone's problem.
Sexual assault. You've probably heard the alarming statistic that "one in four women experience sexual assault on campus."
Scary, right? Just in this past year, conversations about sexual assault have been on the rise and so many brave stories have been told from survivors across all walks of life. However, what are tangible things we can actually do, and supportive resources we can leverage, to help change the "one in four" narrative and ensure that the future of our sexual health is brighter?
Here are the best sexual assault resources for college students:
Odds are, your campus health clinic is loaded with all of the information and free resources you need to keep you and your partner(s) safe and healthy. From STD/STI testing to free condoms, you can find it all here. (AKA you can stop buying those overpriced Trojans at Walgreens and just grab a handful from your clinic!)
Planned Parenthood is about so much more than just abortion—it's a nonprofit that offers cohesive sexual health and wellness services, from contraceptives, to cancer, to sexuality and relationships.
They're everywhere, and they provide victims with crisis intervention, counseling, prevention education and other supportive resources.
Call 800-656-HOPE, and you'll be directed to a local sexual assault service/support in your area. It's a safe and confidential hotline.
Recovering from an experience of sexual violence is a process, and the timeline of recovery looks different for every survivor. Therapy is a great option to work through the aftermath of trauma, learn the best coping skills for you and develop strategies for managing the post-traumatic stress.
So many college campuses have student orgs dedicated to sexual assault awareness, survivor support, and prevention. Get involved directly on your campus by joining one!
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the biggest anti-sexual violence organization in the United States—their website is loaded with a wealth of educational resources and activism opportunities.
Local, state, federal—you name it. Put your beliefs and perspectives into action by making your voice heard in government. Whether it's protecting Planned Parenthood, supporting local initiatives or simply spreading awareness, your voice matters in changing the narrative.
Whether you're a survivor or not, sexual assault is everyone's problem. Although these are just a few of the many available resources related to sexual assault, it's a step we can all take to prevent sexual violence and improve sexual health on our college campuses.
