To All The Kids Who Didn't Want To Be My Friend Growing Up
I forgive you.
Making new friends is always an important part of a child's life and an important milestone in growing up. However, I was different from other kids and I never knew why until I was much older.
I watched a lot of TV growing up and always imagined myself in the friend groups that I saw on TV and even recreating the scenes with my Barbie's and Polly Pockets. I longed for friendship to have someone to play with and have sleepovers with but that didn't really happen much.
I will not mention names in here because I am not the kind of person that calls people out. Maybe those people have changed and maybe they didn't. Who really knows?
I was considered odd by my peers because I had different interests. I often stumbled in certain subjects and excelled in others (I was especially good at spelling). I also had quite the imagination and I always tried to think about what I was good at instead of what I wasn't.
Yes, I am on the spectrum. Maybe they didn't know that or maybe they weren't aware of what Autism is. On the bright side, this is one of the reasons why I am an advocate for people with disabilities. I want to teach those who may not know what it is.
I had a lot of friends up until 4th grade but it wasn't until then when I found out that kids could be very cruel.
One of my classmates even asked me "Hey Lisa did you know that you are r*******?" This person even once told a young child that she shouldn't grow up to be like me and even asked her to call me the r-word. One of them even told others that I had a disease.
Sometimes I even felt like an outcast in my own church. I used to wonder if the people in my small group actually liked me or if they just had to be nice to me because we were in the same group.
All I wanted was to belong.
All I wanted was for someone to not be afraid of me.
All I wanted was for someone to not steal my jewelry and then abandon me (happened in 6th grade).
I didn't want anything else but a friend who was there for me: someone who could invite me over to their house, someone to just invite me to hang out instead of me always doing the asking.
Sometimes I have flashbacks to those days thanks to anxiety, which makes it hard for me to trust people even though I really want to. It makes me want to go to every single event because I feel like I missed out on my childhood by not getting invited to a birthday party or just not being included.
Even though I now have anxiety I am not angry at you guys. You didn't know what I had. Maybe you guys are just now learning about Autism. We have all grown up since then, and writing this is actually very good therapy for me.
I am glad that I am still here, I am glad I went to school every single day and got that perfect attendance award. I am glad I made it to middle school, joined choir and ended up experiencing new things. I am glad I made it to high school, met my special someone who is now my fiancée and soon to be married in 2021. I got to be in two plays, took all sorts of cool classes and discovered a passion for photography. I got to graduate, go to community college, join clubs and become an officer for one of them, join the newspaper, and discover what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to graduate from there, transfer to a university to get my bachelors in journalism which is to be expected in 2020.
Maybe anxiety does make me remember these things that I don't wish to, but it also teaches me something.
From one of my favorite Disney movies The Lion King, "The past can hurt but you can either run from it or learn from it."
I chose not to run away. Instead, I chose to learn more. I have gotten help with a counselor about it, and I am even writing about it now.
For everyone out there who might be getting bullied and remembering some bad memories from their past, just know that it does get better, that this is just a small part of your very big life that you have ahead of you. Don't you ever forget that. Know that you are never alone and that you have a bright future ahead of you. Don't let anyone take away your sparkle. Be who you needed when you were growing up.
