29 Hilarious 'Survivor' Quotes That Will Make You Want To Binge All 38 Season
"Those are the worst looking water shoes I've ever seen."
As season 38 of CBS's hit reality television contest "Survivor" comes to a close, there is no time better than now to relive some of the best fights, one-liners, and confessionals the show has ever seen. From characters like the controversial Jonny Fairplay and hated Russell Hantz to clumsy Michael Skupin and naive Erik Reichenbach, the casts over the years never fail to have at least a few debated characters, countless cringe-worthy moments, and endless instances of comedic relief.
While your post-Final Tribal depression sets in, lift up your spirits with these 29 quotable moments that will hold you over until next season:
1. John needed some... first-aid... after landing on a sea urchin.
John Carroll: "I-I need somebody who has to pee. I need somebody who can pee on my hand! Somebody can pee?! Somebody need to go to the BATHROOM?"
2. Max wanted to live his "Survivor" fantasy before being voted out.
Jeff Probst: "If anybody has a hidden immunity idol and wants to play it, now would be the time to do so."
Max Dawson: "Hey Jeff. Hold up, bro.
*Jeff raises eyebrows*
Max: "I just always wanted to say that."
Jeff: "...okay..."
3. Angie very candidly answered Jeff's question.
Jeff Probst: "Now, Angie, finish that same sentence: If I could change one thing about this tribe..."
Angie Layton: "That we could... have cookies?"
4. Rudy had some questions about Greg's familial dynamic.
[After watching Greg Buis's sister's video to him and Greg's response]
Rudy Boesch: "I can't understand a guy talking to his sister that way. It sounded like Greg was talking maybe incest. That's the way it sounded to me."
5. Debbie had a lot to say (aka a meltdown) about Brad and Hali's alliance.
Debbie Wanner: "He's got his head so far up your ass his eyeballs are sticking out your mouth."
Hali Ford: "Who, Brad [Culpepper]?"
[In a confessional] Debbie: "If Hali wants to do the balance beam even though she cost us peanut butter and jelly by DICKING AROUND FOR TEN FREAKING MINUTES and I zipped across the balance beam in 30 seconds, that means you don't respect me. It's fricking nauseating, frustrating... AND I'M PISSED."
6. Malcolm needed to give himself a little reminder.
Malcolm Freberg: "When I first saw Angie, I kept having to remind myself 'Don't get booty blinded. Don't get booty blinded.'"
7. Courtney's Jean-Robert comments and imitations were always great.
Courtney Yates: "I'm sure he has noticed that she and I will both go to great pains to make sure we are not next to him in the shelter, and yet he will just climb in there, and he's like...
Courtney: *Imitating Jean-Robert Bellande* "'I need Amanda and Courtney by my side, you know, they keep me warm."
Courtney: "Like I'm going to keep anyone warm?! I weight seven pounds… I can't even keep myself warm! Get off of me!"
8. Eliza expressed her strong inclination about the "idol."
[After Jason promises to give her the idol]
Eliza Orlins: "What are you trying to pull? I'm already going home... That's not the idol."
Jason Siska: "What is it?"
Eliza: "It's a f***ing stick."
Jason: "No, it has a face on it."
9. Erik found a lot of enjoyment in one of the rewards he went on.
Erik Reichenbach: "I'm sitting there ready to eat my food and the lunch lady doesn't have a shirt on... I mean, it wasn't a huge deal but that's probably the most boobs I've probably seen in my whole life."
10. When it came down to the money, Tyson knew what he wanted.
[In confessional after asking if he should "shed his underwear"]
Tyson Apostol: "When it comes down to it, I want that million dollars. Exotic, expensive furs on my shoulder. Jewels on these pretty fingers. We're talkin' big time. I'll wear a tiara- a man tiara. Do they make those?"
11. Who would have thought that this would be said about a termite?
Ken Hoang: "Are you really gonna eat it? Because that would be HOT if you ate it."
Spoiler alert: she ate it.
12. Rodney made a very odd yet truthful comparison at tribal.
Rodney Lavoie Jr: "When it comes down to it, we don't mix. We're like chicken parm and tuna fish—it just don't taste good."
13. Shambo had a keen observation about chickens, and Russell took notice.
Shannon "Shambo" Waters: "I didn't know they could frickin' fly."
Russell Swan: "I'm not calling Shambo stupid, but it's a bird for crying out loud. I would think you being a country girl would assume that something with wings can fly."
14. Lisi Linares really brought the heat in season 14's Final Tribal.
Lisi Linares: "Those are the worst looking water shoes I've ever seen. It's just telling me that you were completely unprepared to play this game. Would you agree with that?"
Cassandra Franklin: "No, it's day 39 and I'm still here, my shoes are still here…"
Lisi: "I brought up the shoes because you are in over your head, so for 39 days, I am thinking, she made it because... GREED."
15. Meet Denise, queen of advice.
Denise Stapley: "You know what, whiners are wieners. You need to go home."
16. Being on the show brought Kat some unconventional worries about her relationship.
Kat Edorsson: "Who wants to date someone who didn't make the merge? He's gonna dump me."
17. The Ghandia and Ted incident caused some interesting reactions.
[Ghandia Johnson is heard from the beach screaming and throwing rocks]
Clay Johnson: "That was the most childish act she done so far here. Ghandia is gonna go down to the beach and cry and holler and carry on. My two-year-old did that one time, and I whooped its ass and put it back in bed."
18. At least Jonny Fairplay is... self-aware?
Jonny Fairplay: "Promises are like wicker furniture and fat women... easily broken by Johnny Fairplay."
19. Voting confessionals are where the real feelings come out.
Ben Henry: "You are a 100%, grade-A dirt squirrel, and it's time for you to go home. *squirrel noises*."
20. Randy really enjoyed the auction of season 17.
Randy Bailey: "I came back from the auction broke, full, half drunk and pissed off, so I'm gonna burn this house down in the next day or so."
21. Wait, what sport does "Danger Dave" play?
Jeff Probst: "Danger Dave. Is baseball your sport?"
Dave Ball: "No, making love is my sport."
Jeff: "You play a lot?"
Dave: "Not often enough."
22. Sandra is always harsh, honest, and hilarious.
Sandra Diaz-Twine: " "You need to get in the ocean and wash your ASS."
23. Remember that time Billy got mixed signals from Candace?
Billy Garcia: "My prize was that I-I fell in love in this game, love at first sight. Her name is Candace. And uh, in between..."
Jeff Probst: "Candace from Raro tribe?"
Billy: "Yeah, at the last challenge we sorta mouthed the words 'I love you' to one another, and so that was my prize. My prize was her."
Jeff: "I've never heard anything that surprised me more than what you just said."
24. Aras gave Terry a sick burn.
Aras Baskauska: "SOMEBODY CALL A WHAMBULANCE. TERRY'S CRYING ON THE COURSE."
25. Brains Tribe's Kass has a memorable track record.
Kass McQuillen: "You may remember me for some epic blindsides and making men speak llama."
26. Another Brains Tribe member has some intelligent comments about dessert.
Spencer Bledsoe: "You have, like, your normal stomach and your dessert stomach, so your dessert stomach is still hungry."
27. Better not vote out Shane...
Shane Powers: "I will. I'll drive up and I'll kill you in your shitty little apartment, and then I'll drive to my club and that will be it."
28. Team 'Murica!
[At tribal discussing people who flip]
Hali Ford: "He needs to remember that we're Tribe America and if you look at history, what if the colonists never flipped on the greatest empire in the world? How 'bout that? So since we are tribe America, I think flippers have a great historical record to win this game."
29. Day One of Survivor Samoa... The day the world met Russell Hantz.
Russell Hantz: "It is day one now, I got an alliance with the dumb short hair blonde, and even dumber long hair blonde, and the dark hair girl. I like to call it my dumbass girl alliance."
