An Expat's Take On Friendship
My personal struggle with figuring out what friendship really means and how far I've come with it.
Here's a secret of mine: The idea of lifelong friends is one that I've never felt secure in.
I met my best friend in seventh grade, the year I moved to London. We clicked instantly and spend the entire school year constantly over at each other's houses, grabbing hot chocolate after school, and going shopping together on the weekends. But at the end of 7th grade, she told me she was moving back to the United States.
We've been doing long distance best friends ever since. We hated it first, but we've made it work. She's still my best friend to this day.
In eighth grade, I made another friend who I thought would be one of my friends for life. We hung out after school constantly and did things you would think best friends would do. But after the first semester, she dropped me and our friendship, leaving me alone without someone who I felt I could constantly rely on. She said to me, "You're kind of like a starter friend. You help people get acquainted and once we do, you kind of send us on our way."
At that point, I became numb to permanency. I became used to people walking in and out of my life. I designated myself as "the starter friend." Having convinced myself I shouldn't trust more than a certain few, I couldn't put in effort into so many friendships. I was so sure people would walk out of my life. Because I was the "starter friend."
My first two years of high school at my international school went along just like that. I would help people get accustomed to being an international student, and then they would move on without me. I would see it as me smiling in the background while the friend was standing in the spotlight. I became comfortable in shutting myself in.
Everyone was two steps in front of me. I was always running to catch up, but they were always ahead.
I moved back to America in my junior year of high school. I was finally on the same time zone as my best friend, and I was so excited to start a new chapter of my life at a new school. I was the new kid. Suddenly, I was in the spotlight all on my own. I had made it by myself. I thought to myself that I had made it.
I had finally caught up.
But being the new kid isn't exactly the ideal life either. People wanted to be friends with me only because I was new. I kept my guard up and didn't trust many. My London self caught up to me in America, and all I noticed was that people were kind to me, but no one wanted to invest time into forming a friendship with me, except for maybe one or two. I was constantly seeing people I considered my friends hanging out without me, planning things in front of me without inviting me, and so on.
I sheltered myself. I became uncomfortable with myself. I kept asking what was wrong with me and what I could do to change myself just so I could feel like I had friends.
Senior year rolled around and we had a new student, and we became friends very quickly, seeing as that I was relatively new to the school as well. We got lunch during our free periods and hung out with each other on the weekends. At the start of the second semester, it seemed she had enough of me because she had moved on to other people. And then I thought to myself, Ah, the starter friend me is back.
At this point, who was I kidding? It had happened so many times in my life that I just carried on with my self-hate and self-doubt. I figured people really didn't need me in their lives as a friend. I told myself I wasn't really permanent and that if no one needed me, then I didn't need anyone either.
I'm sure you figured out that that's a complete lie. I just wanted to make it through to college.
"What's cool about college is that everyone is new" is what people told me about making friends in college. "But you don't have anything to worry about! You're so friendly that you'll fit right in."
Yeah, right, I thought.
Yes, everyone was new. We didn't fit in right away, but we found our place eventually.
My place is with the friends I have now. I love them with all of my heart. I was so scared at first because I was so used to people leaving me at the beginning of the second semester. But no one did. I returned to school and people showered me with hugs and "I missed you's." I haven't smiled more around people in so long. I've never felt more myself.
These friends saw me running and waited.
They made me feel permanent again.
When we talk about our futures with everyone in our lives, it makes me want to burst with happiness. Instead, I get quiet, still letting the fear of them possibly leaving take over. But knowing that they can tell when I'm upset and that they'll be there whenever I need someone to talk to, makes me feel loved. It diminishes the fear of being left behind.
Yes, at times, the past me comes out and worries over if I'm fitting in with my friends and if they need me in their lives. I'll seclude myself and indulge these thoughts. I wonder what makes me so good to be friends with such wonderful people. But one step at a time, along with these friends of mine, they help me love myself and love our friendships. They show me every single day that I am wanted and deserving of friends. They help me see that I
No longer am I a running individual. I'm walking with a wonderful group of people that I feel so blessed to call my friends. And I finally feel secure in knowing that these friendships will last a lifetime.
