To The Person I Lost Too Soon
How would you feel if someone you had held in the palm of your hand was suddenly taken from you?
I still remember the day that I found out you were gone. I remember what I had done the day leading up to finding out that you were gone. I remember what I was wearing, what I was thinking the entire day. I remember every detail of the days prior and following the news. I remember it so well that it feels like I live a nightmare every day.
I was thirteen. You were twelve. I had just come home from watching the madrigal dinners at the local University with my middle school chorus group. I had just showered and thrown on a blue Hollister hoodie before sitting down at the family computer. I was trying to be sneaky and check my facebook before I went to bed without having my dad find out. I remember scrolling through Facebook and mindlessly reading what my friends were up to. It was a simple facebook browse until I saw your picture. It was a picture of you edited on Picnic. In fancy purple writing splashed across your face, it said, "RIP Austin, gone but not forgotten."
I remember thinking that it was a joke. I thought that maybe one of your friends had edited a dumb picture and was joking around. I clicked on your profile to further "investigate." It wasn't until I saw numerous posts, photos, and videos on your facebook wall that the sheer panic set in. My chest felt like it was going to collapse. I remember not being able to breathe. It felt like I had just been punched in the throat. I stared at the computer screen in shock. I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I stared into your now lifeless eyes through the Toshiba laptop and collapsed into a puddle of tears, shock, and sorrow. If I could go back and watch myself at that very moment, I know that it would painful to watch. The silent painful sobs consumed me and my back shook as I gasped for air clutching my chest. The words repeating in my head. Dead. Died. Dead. Killed. Young Iowa boy KILLED. He's dead. He died. Funeral. Dead. Died. Followed by the sounds of tires screeching and glass breaking made it that much harder to breathe.
Thinking back to the November night when I read that my best friend. My first childhood LOVE. Who I thought was my childhood soul mate was dead. He died. It took me a few days, months even to process that Austin Lane Vais was dead. That my Austin, my best friend, my Austy was gone. And he wasn't going to come back. For months I tried to process this. I couldn't comprehend that someone as young as him would die as tragically as he did. I had so many questions, I still have so many questions. Questions that will go forever unanswered. I remember my first true feeling of grief after I had gotten past the shock was anger. I was so angry with everyone. I was angry that he decided to drive to go check his damn hunting traps when he did. I was angry he drove alone. I was angry that I didn't know any details. I was angry that nobody would tell me anything. I was so angry that this God that I had always been told to believe in had taken him away from me. I was filled with this anger until recently.
When you lose someone you love at such a young age, it changes you. Maybe not immediately, but it changes you. It changes how you see the world around you. How you treat those close to you. It even changed how I looked at God and how I looked at death. I was so lost. For the longest time, I had a million questions for Austin's family. For God. For whoever found you. Thinking about who found you still makes me break down into silent sobs. It's been six years since you've been gone. Six years and I haven't been able to move on. What is it exactly that I can't move on from, I don't know. Maybe it's because you were the first person I loved besides myself and you left. You left me. You left your family. It's selfish, I know. But loving you with everything I had and having you leave in the way that you did haunts me. I can't let go of the love I have for you. I can't let go of the memories we have. I can't let go. I can't move on because I can't let go. I get scared with every person I start to love. If I get too close to someone again, are they going to die too? I know you didn't choose this. If it were up to you, you wouldn't have decided to die so young. If you had a say you'd still be here. I can't blame you, but I want to. You make it impossible to move on. To love again. What if the next person I open up to dies? You did. I know it's not right to "blame" you. I know it's not right to be angry anymore. I know that but I can't help it.
Losing you when I did taught me so much that I didn't discover until recently. Losing you taught me to cherish every person I encounter. To tell them you love them when you feel it. Because you never know what's going to happen. Losing you taught me that life happens. And no matter what you do, you can't prepare yourself for everything that life has to offer. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it and that's just apart of life. Another thing I learned from losing you is that life is short. Life is so god damn short. Your life can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye, so cherish this life. Cherish every day that you are given. Cherish the people you surround yourself with. Be appreciative to be alive and live your life to YOUR standards. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. If I could have you back for just one day, I'd say everything that I never got to say. I'd swallow my pride and confess my love for you. I'd put everything else aside and listen to your dreams. I'd soak in the sound of your laughter. If I could just have you back for one more day. I'd say everything I couldn't before.
If you were here, I'd tell you that you looked breathtaking in light blue. That it complimented your brown eyes in such a way that I found myself becoming lost in them the longer I stared at you. I would tell you that your laugh is dorky, but it is so full of life. I would encourage you to never stop laughing. I would tell you how important you are. How loved you are. And that yes, I did listen all the times you talked about trapping and hunting. I would also tell you that you're an idiot because of your unhealthy addiction to energy drinks. I'd tell you that your family is amazing. That your dad is watching me. That your dad has my back and we talk frequently. I would tell you not to worry because we will heal. It may take a lifetime, but we will heal. I would tell you that your dad is the strongest man I know. I would brag about all the conversations he and I had. I would tell you that we got along better than you and I and then we'd laugh.
I wish you'd give me just one more day. One more hour. That's all I want and that's all I need to have the closure I need. I know that closure won't come easy. I can't bring you back for an hour. I know that this isn't how it works and that one day I'll have all the answers I never knew I needed.
5 Respectful And Empowering Ways To Handle Rejection
Not everyone will like you, but not everyone has to.
You work hard, you do the right thing, and the inevitable happens. Someone comes along and begins to give you a backhanded compliment, or if you have the misfortune, a backhanded comment. You are left with a bad taste in your mouth and your day starts to turn sour. When people belittle you and your efforts, here are five respectful and empowering ways to sweeten those moments of rejection.
1. Never give someone a reason to not like you.
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People will say what they want and think what they want, no matter the subject or person of choice. It will not matter who you are or what you do, someone or another manages to pay you their two cents. You have to remember, you did not give them reasons to justify their words or actions towards you. These people who exhibit unwarranted thoughts about you are just another drop in the ocean. They do not define your good intentions or self-worth. They are not for you and you need not place any investigation or worry into the mystery of why they do not like you. You do not have to reason with them any further. Simply look forward to the people who care to be curious and open-minded about you.
2. Kill them with kindness.
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The dead push up daisies, but you plant the seed. Some people will smile proudly knowing they have said something cruel or disheartening to get a rise out of you but look at this as an opportunity. Every moment is a chance for you to choose how you react. Ten percent of life is what happens to you, it is out of your control. Ninety percent of life is what you do about it. Use your words to encourage, not discourage, civil discourse. Say what matters and say it with an honest purpose. State your case and let them respond how they will; you cannot control others, but you can control yourself. Be a good example others have yet to show themselves.
3. Turn the "No's" into a "Yes."
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The poet Sylvia Plath had this to say about rejection: "I love my rejection slips. They show me I try." She was talking about the process of writing literary submissions for publication, but her attitude still stands. This is the mindset it takes to find the success you want out of life. Despite all the people that deny you and your work, there are people that see potential and promise in you. It does not matter how many people say "No" to you. What does matter is the number of times you can get back to work and look forward to that one "Yes." You are working for the "Yes's" in your life. Forget the dream-killers and eye-rollers, they lack the hope and drive you have in what you do. They do not do what you do and do not do it like you do. For every "No" there is a "Yes."
4. Let your work speak for you.
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Sometimes no matter how endearing your elevator pitch sounds or how carefully crafted your resume is, people still find fault where there might not even be any. Your accomplishments are your own and that is something to take pride in. Of course, the right amount of pride separates you from the rest and for the better. Pride and confidence must not become virtues or vices that exceed who you are. The work you put out is an extension of who you are and no one can take that away from you. Work speaks for itself and yourself best, so focus on your goals and let your results stand in for your words people did not value. Your best is rarely seen at the moment of inspiration, usually after the final stroke of the brush has wet the canvas. It is your goal to show that stalwart work ethic in good times and in bad.
5. Your process will protect you.
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Keep working. Rule out the distractions and the doubts, the fears, and the flippant fools. Know that your process will save you in trying times. Work against all odds. At some point, things turn even and add up, but you have to be dedicated and diligent. Your sights are seen only through your eyes and your need is to show others what you see. Until then, your skill, your talent, will be honed with consistency. Show up to your work even when you have not been hit with inspiration. The Kodak moment will present itself through your process. Due diligence is the price of success. Eyes on the prize and nose to the grindstone. No one knows your work better than you.
Be the trampoline that bends the will of gravity-like rejection long enough until you can fly.