There's a joke that goes something like:

"A vegan, an atheist, and a Cross-fitter walked into a bar. I know, because they told me."

This joke plays off of the fairly popular stereotype that these three types of people rarely shut up about this fact, and although it may be harsh and sometimes untrue, I have to say I haven't exactly noticed otherwise. One of my best friend's friend texted our group chat today, with one sentence: "Julie, don't hate me but..."

I tend to hate often and in great excess so this wasn't boding well for her already.

She finished a second later with, "I'm thinking about becoming a vegetarian."

This isn't unheard of in today's society, and especially not in Southern California where I live half of the months out of the year. Vegetarian, vegan, doesn't eat fish, or what have you. They're everywhere.

But SHOULD THEY BE?

I've heard the reasons; some valid, some idiotic. Most idiotic. But I can't take it anymore! No more vegetarians! None! Don't switch over to the dark side, don't choose to cut out all the good of life, just no!

I can do you one better than yelling nonsensically in your direction, I can convince you with numbered facts of why not to ruin your life. Ready or not, here they come.

1. Meat

As I politely reminded my friend, "CHICK-FIL-A, HAMBURGERS, STEAK, CHICKEN ALFREDO!" And the list goes on. I personally believe that God would not have given us animals that taste so fucking good if he didn't want us devouring them on a regular basis.

2. You're THAT guy at a party

Your dad decided to make dinner tonight to celebrate Fathers Day and the grill is firing up, as is the light in his eyes and happiness in his heart. Oh, wait. Johnny doesn't eat meat anymore. I guess we can all enjoy some BBQ ASPARAGUS. It's your friends birthday dinner and everyone's invited! Her mom bought 12 everything pizzas, her favorite! Oh... wait. You're a vegetarian. You can't eat everything anymore.

3. The world will hate you

You say you don't look down on anyone else for their choices. You say that. But when you order a salad and I get a big ass hamburger, I can't help but feel you're looking down on me! Your moral standard appears to be higher, when in reality, this cow was gonna be slaughtered whether I enjoyed his delicious self or not. :( Not my fault.

4. You're not saving the planet

At best, one chicken was thrown away instead of ingested because you chose against it. But guess what? Just because you're not eating it doesn't mean they stop making it. So get off your high horse and try donating to charity.

5. Explaining

Picture family gatherings. They ask you if you're dating, how school is going, how your grades are, why you have holes in your jeans and if you bought them that way or not... want to add at least one more question on there? You're not eating the ham your Aunt made? Why not? When did this happen? What do you want instead? Tofu? And this isn't just at family gatherings either, you'll never escape having to answer these questions from the world.

6. Walk-in restaurants

You can't just try a new place anymore. No spontaneity is allowed because you have to check the menu now for vegetarian/vegan options. If they don't have anyone, are you... what? Just gonna get a water? That's a fish's home, you disgusting monster.

(Yeah, you ain't safe from attacks either.)

7. It can be bad for you

Without protein and supplements, as well as the vitamin B you require, you won't be feeling too hot. Or looking it. And if you have any mental disorders such as anxiety or depression, it can even worsen with a B vitiman deficiency! As much lettuce as you jam in your system, you will not be the health nut that you aspire to be.

(To be fair, vitamin B is actually present in eggs and milk so it's vegans, not vegetarians who are at risk of B-12 deficiency. But I will fight on for this cause.)

8. Not enough

A common argument or response to me saying that you need protein and other supplements for meat don't cut it is "you know beans have the same amount and eating those is sufficient and can match the exact amount you get." I'm gonna let you in on a secret. Nobody can or will ever eat that many fucking beans. What I can get from one bite of steak, you can get from 2.5 billion beans.

OK, I entirely made that number up but the fact remains, no way will you dedicate your time to that effort.

9. Just NO!

Stop being a pansy and just eat a damn steak with me. I'll pay.

Now, I know that admittedly some people have valid reasoning for becoming vegetarian like allergies or whatever, and I'll allow that. Heck, I'll even support that. But if it's just a replacement for an emo-phase or a way to try and save the planet, give up. Save yourself. Trust.

All that being said, if my friend still decides to go vegetarian, or anyone reading this article does, I will still love and support. Always. As much as we may want to dictate others lives, their life, their choice. I will never force someone to eat a cheeseburger against their will or roll my eyes and sigh loudly if they look for another option on a menu/change dinner location plans.

Love the world, love yourself, and love others. Because that is all that we really have control over, and all that we'll ever need.

Also, vegetarian or otherwise (carnivorous beasts such as myself)...

... we can both eat cookies. :)