Inside The Minds And Souls Of Both Sides Of One Domestically Violent Relationship

Inside The Souls Of Both Sides Of One Domestically Violent Relationship

But the fact that they describe these experiences so vividly show that, to some degree, the relationship was a cornerstone moment and turning point for both of their lives – and what we can take away in its wake is that the story didn't end on that Sunday night for either Dylan or Isabelle.

158
views

This week, I am writing a riff on another article I found powerful and thoughtful - a CNN article titled "Peering inside a batterer's mind - and a victim's soul." Published on January 2, 2015 by Jessica Ravitz, this article surfaced about 11 months after TMZ released the video of Ray Rice beating his girlfriend, Janay Palmer, in a casino elevator. The article reckons with an individual - and unique story of two people's story in a relationship of domestic violence - and the article in itself is very, very unique as well. It is told from the perspective of the abuser - and the victim, tells both their stories and documents how their lives and souls have reckoned and changed from their experiences.

The article immediately grips the reader with an encounter with "Dylan," the former batterer. "He's nothing like I imagined. His demeanor is gentle, his smile and handshake warm, his words friendly and measured."

It's a fundamental theme of the human condition, and something we need to all realize within ourselves and within others. No one is better or worse than anyone. Anyone, no matter how kind, compassionate, or thoughtful, is capable of anything, no matter how cruel or monstrous. I often look to Romans 3:10-12 to see what I believe of the human condition, that we are all imperfect sinners before a God who saved us: "as it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one." I don't believe in bad people, but only good people who've done terrible things.

Ravitz then questions in the next paragraph: "where is the batterer I've­ come to meet? 'The man who grabbed, pushed and punched a woman he claimed to love?" She describes, so painfully, in the next sentence, what compelled her to seek out Dylan and why she's writing this article: he is "the one I've enlisted to help me understand: Why do some men do this? How can they be stopped?"

She then describes Dylan as the antithesis of what she expected from a wife-beater: he is Ivy-league educated and raised by loving parents. In exchange for Dylan agreeing to "take me back to a time he'd rather forget," Ravitz agreed to change his name and hide his identity to protect himself and the abused victim. But the story doesn't end with the trauma and abuse: it is also a story of reform, as she also tells of how "some 10 years later, he became a new person, the man he wanted to be."

For Dylan, there were stark similarities with what he saw growing up and how he acted as an adult. His parents argued, and twice, he saw his father push his mother. Another time, he saw a friend he respected striking his girlfriend in a high school parking lot, and both times, no one talked about it. "Love between a man and a woman, as far as he could tell, was allowed to look this way."

Dylan then showed Ravitz the power and control wheel, "tactics a man might use to gain leverage in a relationship." The tactics on the wheel include examples like minimizing, coercion, male privilege, isolation, threats, and economic abuse. The actual implementation of these tactics included things like telling his girlfriend he didn't like her friends (even though he didn't know them) and criticizing how she did her hair and unloaded the dishwasher. In their unique situation, Isabella, Dylan's ex-girlfriend, had a disability and relied on him to get to work. "He didn't forget it…He kept the wheel well-oiled, and it would eventually spin out of control.

Through Dylan, Ravitz got into contact with Isabelle. Like Dylan, she only agreed to speak to Ravitz using a pseudonym. Growing up, she also saw her father verbally abuse her mother and throw things at her. Her mother would eventually leave, but "Isabelle learned early about submission."

From her perspective, she regrets not seeing the warning signs coming. She escaped him on the weekends and went away, and although she couldn't drive, she did just fine before he came along. Isabelle, isolated from loved ones, was "too ashamed to admit how unhappy and worried she was, [and] isolated herself further."

However, she still loved him. "Still, for so long, she hungered for what they had when the relationship was good."

The first time violence happened, Dylan recalls thinking she was cheating when she was up late talking with a male friend. "He ripped up some of her favorite photographs. He called her a bitch and a whore…And then, he unleashed his remaining rage with a punch to her chest." Dylan immediately realized what he'd done and apologized and left to give Isabelle space. Later, in court, he agreed to stay away from her for a year.

As Isabelle recalls it, she hadn't been on the phone on the day of "the incident." Dylan tried to break a vase of flowers over her head, and when Isabelle tried to close a door between them, he punched her in the chest. "The world, she says, fell silent. And then 'the universe said just play dead, and so I did.'"

Dylan, freaked out and appalled, apologized and offered her Advil. "She laughs at the absurdity of that suggestion. As if Advil could make things better?" When a friend later took Isabelle to the hospital, the doctor told her this: "I don't know how you're alive." If the punch were an inch more to the left, the blow to her chest could have killed her.

After being the court date, Dylan sought out ways to change himself. He discovered Men Stopping Violence (MSV), a training program that seeks to help society prevent, understand, and change the norms that create violent men, "and thereby prevent the abuse of women from even starting." Since only a small portion of batters get caught, MSV Executive Director, Ulester Douglas, says that "it's better to engage all men before they abuse." MSV has both prevention and intervention programs to protect women in these situations.

In MSV, Dylan re-shaped his perception of what it meant to be a man, and "he'd owned what he'd done and who he'd become. Only then could he change." Learning techniques to "center himself," he learned to practice a spirit of patience, peace, love, and empathy for others. Today, he works in social justice and dedicates himself to protecting women, and he volunteers with MSV. He's in a healthy relationship now, and calls Isabelle his best friend.

Isabelle, however, wouldn't go that far. Although she sees him as a brother and doesn't believe he would hurt another woman, she states explicitly that "I forgave that day because I choose to forgive…but some of my life got stolen." Dylan has built a successful and inspirational career, but "in some ways, she paid for it. He wouldn't be doing what he's doing, after all, if he hadn't abused her and found his way to Men Stopping Violence." Even though Isabelle has been through therapy, the PTSD still reverberates through her life: she flinches when a man takes her arm, or a man makes a critical comment. In relationships, she still worries that she'll miss the signs, and also wonders if the other person is trying to manipulate her.

"But she also emerged on the other side empowered in new ways. She isn't afraid to stand up for herself. She's strong enough to know she'd rather be alone than mistreated."

When asked why she was willing to share her story, Isabelle had this to say: "she wants women to see their value. She wants to give hope to those in unhealthy or dangerous relationships."

Let's take a moment to stop, and acknowledge how uncommon this sort of radical change is for people. The story of Dylan and Isabelle is just that unique. There are no second acts in life – because the past can never ever be erased. What's done is done, and what we think of reform and radical change is a building and growing from the past. For how could you have reformed so much if you weren't, at some level, deeply ashamed of what you'd done or who you were?

One of the last lines of Ravitz's article is that she "loses sleep wondering if it's too good to be true." Walking through the Dekalb County Courthouse, and observing men arrested for domestic violence misdemeanors, Ravitz stumbles into an afternoon class for the people who have to be there, and "no one is happy to be here. Some are outwardly mad."

At the end of the course, a Ravitz observes a couple light bulbs go off as the men go through exercises. She wonders, at the end, whether "they, like Dylan, [can] give change a chance? Or will they walk the path they've already traveled and abuse again? And, most pressing to me, how many Isabelles will suffer in their wakes?"

The truest answer, three years after this article was published, is that I don't know. No one does. At some level, at least the men are in the class, for the majority of batterers don't get caught. What stuck out to me in this article is that Dylan changed because he wanted to and because Isabelle treated him with hope and forgiveness – and yes, Isabelle paid the price for it.

It haunts and terrifies me that this story is often the best it gets in the narrative of the batterer and his victim – and when I think about what would happen if I met and talked to Isabelle and Dylan, I would know that they're a lot more than victim and batterer. But the fact that they describe these experiences so vividly show that, to some degree, the relationship was a cornerstone moment and turning point for both of their lives – and what we can take away in its wake is that the story didn't end on that Sunday night for either Dylan or Isabelle. Even if we're not in domestically violent relationships, when we're in our own trauma-inducing circumstances – when there seems to be no end in sight – the story doesn't end there, no matter how defining the moment was.

Popular Right Now

19 Things Every Long Islander Knows to Be True

You know you're from Long Island when...
1616
views

I love to travel, see new places and go on adventures. I love that I was lucky enough to go to school out of state, travel abroad, and see so many new places. However, no matter how much I travel, there is always one place that will have my heart, and that's Long Island. Growing up on the island is special. We're a unique breed, brought up on bagels, pizza, and great beaches, and we definitely stand out. You know you're from Long Island when...

1. Lawn-guy-land.

Whenever someone asks you where you're from, you take extra caution to say Long Island, but no matter how you say it, they still comment that you have a Lawnguyland accent. "Haha all you Long-Islanders say it like that"! Haha, no I did not say it like that, shut up.

2. You're a bagel snob.



No matter where you go, no bagel will ever compete with A&S, My Three Sons, or Bagel Man. Jersey people will try to tell you that their bagels are better but there is really no chance. Bacon, egg, and cheeses give me life.


3. New York City is "the city," and the only acceptable way to get there is "the train."

LIRR is love, LIRR is life. Quick, easy, and always a good time. You can get to Manhattan in under an hour. Who doesn't love drinking out of paper bags and listening to people fight on the phone. Just don't miss the 2:42 train home or you'll have to wait in Penn Station until 5:30.

4. You've been asked at least five times if you know the Long Island Medium.

LOL yeah, she's my neighbor!!! Of course, I don't know her. First of all, Long Island is 1,400 miles long so I don't exactly know everyone, and second of all, why are you so obsessed with the Long Island Medium?

5. Everything above the city is considered "upstate."

Westchester, Albany, Buffalo, Rye, they're all the same thing to me: Upstate.

6. You get really frustrated when people say you live "in Long Island."

No, it's an island. And we live on it. So, "I live on Long Island."

7. While summer concerts are always great, Jones Beach Concerts will forever be #1.

Oh what a special time. I'm not ashamed to say I saw Ke$ha twice, complete with glitter and all. Once with Pitbull opening, and the other time with LMFAO opening. Get $leazyyyyyy!!!

8. You probably played lacrosse at some point.

Whether you just played in third grade, or played on varsity in high school or college, lacrosse is the single most important sport on Long Island and everyone has given it a try.

9. You celebrate the day Ralph's opens as if it's a holiday.

Ralph's is the number one summertime snack. If you live on Long Island chances are you're within 10 minutes from one.

10. You can correctly pronounce places like Hauppauge, Massapequa, Ronkonkoma, and Patchogue.

That's a party trick if I've ever seen one.

11. You or someone you know "has seen Lindsay Lohan's house before."

Okay, guilty. I actually have seen her house though. My cousins lived around the block from her, but regardless, you've heard this way too many times.

12. Billy Joel is your idol and a hero.

"Piano Man" will always make you tear up, and if you ever memorized the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire," it was probably the best moment of your life.

13. Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest party night of the year.

It's a huge reunion for you, your friends, and every other person you went to high school with. Full of hugs, cheek kisses, Bud Light and Fireball shots, Thanksgiving Eve is always a good time.

14. You've been to Safety Town and it was the best field trip of your life.

If you never went to Safety Town, you probably had a deprived childhood and I am so sorry.

15. You've winded up at the diner at the end of the night on many occasions.

Whether or not you've wanted to, you and your friends ended the night many a times with a trip to the diner. There is nothing better than greasy mozzarella sticks or chicken fingers at 1 A.M.

16. You hung out in parking lots or playgrounds as a young teen.

It was the cool place to hang out. Probably the first time in your life you felt like a BAMF.

17. You've tried to find the Amityville Horror House.

And were most likely unsuccessful.


18. No pizza will ever live up to your beloved New York pizza.

SO #blessed to have grown up with such doughy, delicious, cheesy goodness.

19. Family means the world to you.

Sunday dinners at your grandparents, your family coming to all of your music concerts, home cooked meals every night, tons of cousins, family is the most important thing to you. Whether you're Irish, Italian, German, or Polish, family is your number one.

There you have it. Long Island is a wonderful place to grow up, it will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always consider myself a Long Island girl.

Cover Image Credit: http://housedecorsideas.party/decors/map-long-island

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

Arab-American Heritage Month Is Not A Well Known Celebration And I'm Pissed About It

I'm an Arab-American and didn't even know this was a thing... That's sad.

185
views

The month of April is special for a lot of reasons but this one hits home for me. This is the perfect opportunity to celebrate the culture, history and amazing people who have helped bring something to this country. So many Arab-Americans have contributed a lot to society yet they don't get the recognition they deserve for it.

In today's society, the Arab community is always being looked down on and degraded. The lack of understanding from those around makes Arab-Americans feel like outsiders in a place they should be able to call home. The inaccurate images and stereotypes that inhabit the word "Arab" are sickening.

It's time to raise awareness. It's time to look beyond the media's portrayal. It's time to see a neighbor, a teacher, a doctor, a scientist, an artist, an athlete, a parent, a child, but most importantly, a human being, NOT a monster.

Arab-Americans encounter and fight racism every day. As a society, we should be better than that. We should want everyone in this country to feel wanted, needed and appreciated. Together, we should use this month as a time to shine light and celebrate the many Arab-Americans who have, and continue making this country great.

While you read this list of just a few famous Arab-Americans keep in mind how much they want this country to be amazing, just as much as anyone else does.

Dr. Michael DeBakey, invented the heart pump

Dr. Elias Corey, Nobel Prize winner for Chemistry in 1990 

Dr. Ahmed H. Zewail, Nobel Prize winner for Chemistry in 1999

Lucie Salhany, first woman to head a tv network 

Ralph Johns, an active participant in the civil rights movement and encouraged the famous Woolworth sit-in 

Ernest Hamwi, invented the ice cream cone

Pvt. Nathan Badeen, died fighting in the Revolutionary War

Leila Ahmed, the first women's studies professor at Harvard Divinity School 

We should recognize and celebrate these achievements. There are so many things you can learn when you step inside another culture instead of turning your back to it. This April, take time to indulge in the Arab-American heritage.

Instead of pushing away the things you don't understand, dive into diversity and expand your knowledge of the unknown. Together we can raise awareness. #IAmArabAmerican

Related Content

Facebook Comments