Months after it happened, I was still scared. It felt as though every day got harder and harder, never any easier. It felt as though I had been abandoned and my happiness had been drained out of my body. The previous stitches put in place, ripped out one by one. Sorry to be so dramatic, but absolutely no one in the world could relate to the feeling of my heart being so shattered I had no idea if it could even be repaired. I waited weeks for a response for an "I miss you text" or an "I'm sorry. Come see me" but it never arrived. I asked myself what could I have done to wrong you for you to treat me like this? I cried myself to sleep most nights waiting for your arrival that never came.
It was then after we spoke months after the incident when I had a revelation. I allowed you to come back and leave as you please, never thinking much of it. It was when I stopped and took a step back and looked at myself and thought, I cannot keep allowing this to happen. How many times can you let the same thing break your heart? I don't know if it speaks less of you for being careless with my heart or less of me for allowing it to happen. After we spoke, I finally got it; not the closure I so desperately needed from you, but the closure I gave myself when I walked away from you. You had moved on, with another girl doing the same things you did with me. You have given your love and flowers to a new girl who will soon be in my shoes. I woke up one day after speaking with you and realized you are no longer the person I want nor need, you have become someone who destroys me every time I have come back to you, a little more each time.
It all begins and ends with the mind. I allowed you to take advantage of my kindness and my fragile heart, using me as a stepping stone to get to the next step in your life. For a while, I could not fathom how you could fall so quickly out of love and into another girl's arms. I realized that I need to give myself the love I so desperately wanted from you. I wished you would have picked up the phone and called me to tell me you loved me and that you made a mistake. When that call never came, I was forced to move on. Move past this toxic cycle you wanted to call a relationship. I had moved past checking in on you and looking into your social media, searching for a sign that you missed me. It was then when I decided I wanted to move on from you, and start loving myself the way I deserve to be loved. I am going to receive the entire world and more, even if I have to give it to myself.
