Growing up I was never a "girly girl". I would go to work with my (step)daddy, a diesel mechanic, all the time and I would get just as dirty, if not dirtier, as he did. I enjoyed playing in mud. I loved playing softball and football. I was my happiest when I was covered in dirt. Even as I grew older into my teenage years I was never your typical girl. The people I connected more with was boys. To this day I don't really like being around other girls. I have very few girl friends. I just get a long better with guys, and I am more interested in the same things as guys. I cannot sit there and make a fuss over my hair, my nails, or my shoe collection (or the lack of). I'd much rather talk about sports, working on cars, and other typical "manly" stuff.
With all that being said.. there has always been one thing about me that is the "girl" coming out in me. I have always been fascinated with "love". I remember watching Disney movies when I was younger and thinking "man, I hope I find love like that one day." Even while watching Grease, my favorite movie as a kid, I wanted that kind of love. I've always been obsessed with love. I mean daggum, I've even had it tattooed on the side of my dang foot since I was 16 years old.
All I've ever wanted was to find my one. I want to find that kind of love that everyone hopes to have. I've thought I had found it a couple of times before, don't get me wrong, but I still haven't. And it's not because I haven't tried. I have looked for it everywhere.. At my high school, at other high schools, at work, at bars.. I even look at guys at the grocery store and think "maybe that's him. maybe he'll come up to me and tell me I'm beautiful and ask for my number." Sounds crazy, right?
Is it wrong for me to crave wanting to have someone that loves me unconditionally and thinks they're lucky to have me? I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I want to feel loved. I want someone that thinks I'm amazing and that can't wait to see me or talk to me. Is all that so bad?
I try and I try and I try, but I still haven't had any luck. I find myself asking "is it me?", "what's so wrong with me?", and "why am I never good enough?" or saying "well, I messed that up.. again." A L L the time. Why do I have to assume it's me? Why do I have to think there is something wrong with me?
Even now after I've gained so much confidence I still think those things. It's the biggest thing I dislike about myself.
I tend to start talking to a guy, it'll be great, and I'll fall for them and without fail something will happen and it all goes to crap. Every single time. Over the past year I have tried so hard to find someone for me, and I have believed I had found it multiple times and yet, here I am, still single with nothing to show for all my attempts (besides a heart that's a little beaten up).
I feel like I am continuously setting myself up to get hurt. I just don't know how much more I can take..
To sum it all up.. I've been through a lot trying to find the person for me. It's been hard, and still is. There's some things I wish never would have happened, but they did, and they all happened for a reason. To lead me somewhere.. I don't know where to, but I'll figure it out one day. I just need to be patient and give it time.