It’s always fun to argue about which superpowers are better than others. It’s the whole reason for fights like Batman vs. Superman, Captain America vs. Iron Man and Thor vs. the Hulk. But, fantasizing about the powers of god-tier superheroes and villains leads ignorance regarding more mundane powers that would still be viable in the real world. Here are a few superpowers that sound subpar when compared to the likes of the Flash and Spiderman, but I would still love to have. Some of the powers on this list come from established supers, and some come from the creative minds at /r/shittysuperpowers.
1. Super Stilts
Stilt Man has a pair of robotic legs that allow him to make himself taller. While this is enough to explain his status as a low-level villain, imagine having stilt legs in real life. Tall shelves? No problem. Lost in an unfamiliar place? You can see for miles. Boring conversation? Sorry, I can’t hear you from three stories up.
2. Super Digestion
Matter-Eater Lad’s superpower is about as cool as his name. Basically, he can eat anything, and he can eat really fast. But, at the cost of some dignity, someone with Matter-Eater Lad’s powers would never need a trash can. The ability to turn anything into chemical energy would make you the most environmentally friendly person on the planet. Plus, considering how fast Matter-Eater Lad can eat, a real-life mining occupation could be very lucrative for him.
3. Super Sliding
Number one on this list of “The 25 Lamest Superpowers Found on the Superpower Wiki” is sliding. As described by the aforementioned wiki, sliding allows the user to slide on surfaces for long distances as if there were no friction. While this might not save you from a bullet, think of the real-world implications. To get from Point A to Point B, you could simply begin a slide and check out until you get there. Maybe take a nap or read a book while exploiting physics to travel without using energy. Why, you wouldn’t even have to wear your Heelys anymore!
4. Induce Tickling
The list above has an entry for “Induce Tickling” that simply reads: “Come on now.” Clearly, they have never been tickled. Long-range tickling is an instant focus-breaker, making the ability useful during hand-to-hand combat users and against even more powerful heroes whose powers require focus (like Force users from Star Wars). So, while you could use this ability to cheat at sports or video games, I would argue that it has in-universe potential against established superheroes and villains.
5. Freeze Time, But Only To Sleep
“The ability to freeze time, but the only thing you can do in the meantime is sleep.” Sign. Me. Up. We waste almost half our lives sleeping; imagine the productivity boost. Big test tomorrow? Sleep eight hours instantly and use the rest of the night to study with full energy. Tired during the day? Instant nap. Falling asleep in class? Have a quick snooze without missing anything. This is arguably the best power on this list.
6. Seeing Through Walls
The only problem with the ability to see through walls is that now you can’t see walls. Every building is now a confusing mess of floors and ceilings. You will constantly have a broken nose from running into invisible walls. You will never again be able to go to another room to focus. But, on the bright side, you have one of the greatest awareness/information-gathering powers ever imagined. Its just at the cost of your physical well-being and sanity.
7. Super Color Identification
“You can identify the HEX# of any color you see.” This is the perfect example of a good "bad superpower." Yeah, it would suck to get it when compared to flight, but for artists, graphic designers and developers, this power would be a godsend. No more dropper tool, no more need for a picture as a reference, no more copy-pasting color palettes from websites. You won’t save the world with this power, but you can get your project done about 30% faster.
8. Restricted Teleportation
“You can teleport wherever you want whenever you want, but it takes the same amount of time to get there by walking.” This superpower has the same benefits as sliding, plus a few more. While everyone else braves freezing temperatures to walk to class, you can lay in your cozy bed waiting for the teleportation to go through. Long commute? Just figure out how long it would take to walk, then trigger the teleport that much earlier and enjoy your increased productivity/sleep time. This power seems terrible at first glance, but it would be so easy to abuse.
9. Super Bitcoin Influence
“Every time you punch someone, the price of Bitcoin goes up by $1. Every time you get punched, the price drops $10.” This one stuck out to me for a very specific reason. You see, while some might get a friend and abuse this power to get rich off the cryptocurrency market, I’d take a different approach. I’d walk around begging people to hit me. At the end of the day, Bitcoin would be dead, and the market would be flooded with now-useless mining GPUs (graphical processing units). I’d take my bruised, bloodied body into the nearest Microcenter and pick up a nice GTX 1080 Ti for almost nothing. I’d take it home, hook it up, and run Crysis on Ultra settings. Worth it.
Some superpowers are better than others, but that doesn’t mean any superpower is bad. I’d take any power on this list over not having one. Being a super slider in a world of "just-your-average Joes" is equivalent to being Captain America in a world of Avengers.
