Some people say the Fourth of July is just a holiday, but we forget that in 1776, this day was not just about the pretty light shows that we all enjoy. We mustn't forget that on this day, way, way, way back then, we broke apart from England. England: the land home of bad teeth, fat-cat kings, and powdered wigs. Yes, indeed it was a much different time back then. Now, we don't even have to powder our wigs! But enough of that. I'm no American history scholar, and I therefore I most certainly will not pretend to be. Here are just a few things that I love about living in the good ol' U.S. of A.
1. Eagles Are Our National Mascot
No wonder they're going extinct! We've turned them into a joke!
2. Actors Are Allowed to Become Politicians
Not that he'll "be back" in office anytime soon, but I was watching the new "Terminator" movie today, and I thought: How strange. Ronald Reagan, Schwarzeneggar...to go from actor to man acting in charge. How convienent. It's like, they totally play the part.
3. Barack Obama
Seriously, how do people forget about all the good that this man has actually brought us? I blame everyone with a knack for complaining. Take a look at the facts, son.
4. There's A Holiday For Everything!
This is real, guys, no kidding. And there's a National Ice Cream day, and Donut Day, too.
5. The Social Acceptance To Lie To Our Children
The tooth fairy brought me cheap detective novels from the dollar store, Mall Santa always seemed depressed, and the sight of a man dressed as the Easter Bunny still makes me want to pee my pants. Also, how come all of these splendid creatures are allowed to break into our homes after every tooth, every Christmas, every year? Damn. Like, because they bring the kid a gift, that makes them pretty awesome? Where's the justice in that?
6. Public Schools
The cliques were unnecessary, but hey, at least you know how to function in the real world now! Sorry, home-schooled kids.
7. Marriage Is Freshly Legal!
Seriously, how did it take this long?!
8. Public Parks
We all know who the real thugs of the park are. Always giving you sh*t.
9. Idiots Are Allowed to Speak Their Minds Also
Will he ever be stopped? NBC and Macy's may have pulled the plug, but weasels always end up popping out of the hat for more trouble. And this weasel is not just bothering employees and pageant women, but now he's also bothering Mexicans, too. Word of advice to weasels: don't mess with women, and don't mess with Mexicans! Both will beat you senseless while shouting in a language you would never understand.
10. You Can Eat As Unhealthily As You Please
Buffets and "open past midnight fast food?" Come on. But it does sound pretty good...doesn't it?
11. We Can Admit To Our Mistakes Now
Well sure, there are still Confederate flags being put back up, and Columbus Day is still a holiday in every state but one...but hey, we're trying, now. We've still got a long way to go, but everyone knows we messed up. As many times as we did, we're somehow making up for it. Right? So, Happy Fourth of July. Happy Birthday to the country of hopes and dreams and bald eagles! Don't forget those guys.
