One-Sided Expectations In My 'Almost Relationship' Broke My Heart Long Before The Guy Could
He was everything I wanted but could never truly have
At the end of my freshmen year of college in March of 2017, I met someone so fantastic that everyone else I've ever had feelings for was blown out of the water. We met on a dating app and hung out after talking for a few weeks. The connection was insane. I never met someone quite like him before. Physically he was my type to a T, but there was so much beyond the physicality that attracted me to him. He made me laugh and liked me as I was, quirks and all. I was all too happy to overlook the fact that he didn't want a relationship, which in any other scenario I'd have stopped seeing that person right then and there. That's when the heartbreak began.
Have you ever looked at someone and knew it would hurt like hell when things ended between both of you? That's inevitably how I looked at him the entire year we were seeing each other. All of summer '17 we texted and sent each other Snapchats every single day, from the time we woke up until far too late when we should have been asleep. I couldn't wait until September came, so I'd get to finally see him again. We never saw each other then, but as long as we were texting, I was happy.
September came, and by the end of the month, I decided to lose my virginity to this person, and it meant the world to me that it was him and not someone else. He made sure I was fine throughout the process. My comfort was key and I really appreciated that he was respectful of my boundaries, as any guy should be. A few months after that, I basically asked him what we were, which was BEYOND awkward. I waited a whopping nine months to truly ask because I was so terrified to ask him. It was the same answer he gave me before: I don't want a relationship. But I just knew in my gut he had feelings for me, how could you not after seeing and talking to someone for nine months?
Things took a negative turn from there. He stopped responding to me with the same vivacity as before. Long texts grew short. I got left on delivered or on read, and it slowly broke me down. He stopped trying to see me and bailed on me a lot at the last second. I was so happy before and I traded it in for anger and sadness. I let myself go mentally, and once a dear friend called me out on it, I realized I needed to correct my behavior. I didn't recognize myself and it was time to wake up from the daze I've been in.
I ended it. It was snowing and cold and classes got canceled so I ended it. It was just friends with benefits to him but it meant so much more to me. I broke my own heart into a million shards because I thought I could get him to feel for me the exact way I felt for him. That's the essence of a one-sided almost relationship. I carried all of the feelings and I'll never know if they were ever reciprocated. No amount of effort on my part could get him to want to commit to me.
I should have been smart and ended seeing him once the summer began in 2017, but my heart was in it to win it. That person was my first real love and he'll always hold a special place in my heart and mind. The heart wants what it wants, and it didn't want me to give up trying for something I felt like I had just out of my reach. He may have hurt me by not wanting me in the way I wanted him to, but I hurt myself for ignoring the facts right there in front of me. I haven't been the same since ending things with him. It took me seven months to move on, and I'll fully admit I'm still not 100% over him, and that's just how it will be. You never get over your first love.
My advice to anyone who is currently in an almost relationship is to just walk away and find someone willing to commit to you. You're worth going all in for. Maybe now isn't your time with this person, and you could rekindle things when time moves along. Or, you're not meant to be with this person at all, and you're only prolonging your suffering being with them now. Set yourself free of the emotional turmoil and be at peace with what you know to be true: if they want to be with you they would be.
Meeting him was written in my fate because the pull I had toward him was so strong, and the struggles with letting go are still all too real, especially when I write about it. I'm glad I met him because he introduced me to the world of cars and Paul Walker. While I'll always wish things were different, I know everything had to happen this way because it made me become such a strong person today.
It also taught me never to accept a one-sided, almost relationship ever again.
