Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, me not caring!
JD: "You're ex-wife, she's the answer!" Dr. Cox: "Uh...things that ruined my life? Things that took half of my money? Things with sharp edges?!"
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From now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're not allowed to talk
Hand to God, If you so much as look at me for the next month, I will mummify your head in surgical tape
You see, I am a lot of things. I’m a Scorpio, a registered Independent, a foodie, a parrot-head, yes I do love that Jimmy Buffet-always have, always will, a leg man. But I can assure you the one thing I am not is lonely
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Laverne: "Does it help to know that Jesus love you?" Dr. Cox: "It does not!"
Jordan: "You know, you're gonna miss me more than I miss you" Dr. Cox: "Oh pah-leeze, I don't need those 4lbs of makeup and quarter inch of synthetically paralyzed skin!"
I know what Kim did to you was just crazy, but pregnant women are among a select group of people who are actually allowed to act insane. Much like sports mascots, local weatherman, theme park performers, and that guy with a question mark jacket who teaches people how to get free money from the government
That's what we call a lie... or, when you're married, communication
So, if you wanna solve a real mystery go ahead and figure out who is taking my New York Times every Sunday. Or, better yet, how about why anybody on the planet actually thinks that Dane Cook is funny?
JD: "Do you think I need to grow up?" Dr. Cox: "Wow. You dream your whole life about that one moment. When it finally comes, you're just-you're not ready for it. Here goes. The answer is a sincere, emphatic, 100% definitive, never been so sure of anything in my life unequivocal yes."
Jordan, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual!
Dr. Kelso: "Looking for something?" Dr. Cox: "Yes, my cloak of invisibility so that I can avoid conversation with soulless dictators such as yourself. Unfortunately it's really hard to find because as the name suggests, it's invisible."
Even though we all currently despise each other, we’re professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand despite the fact that she’s a heartless, red-state-supporting, N.R.A. backing, illegal-immigrant-hating, self-righteous, misinformed dope, essentially Karl Rove with smaller boobs
Dr. Cox: "Go to Hell, Bob" Dr. Kelso: "I didn't even say anything!"
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What is it with friends and the whole wanting to be in your life thing?
JD: "Dr. Cox!" Dr. Cox: "Okay, Linus, you're way too excited. I want you to get your blankey, go in the corner and take a timeout"
People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are, mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling
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You, honest to God, get me so angry I'm afraid I may hurt myself
JD: "What is wrong with me?" Dr. Cox: "You're an annoying, whiny man child"
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Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally but I’m having him spend the rest of the day checking that counter-top’s heartbeat
I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as useful and about as effective as fairy dust
If you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring
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Before we start today, who watches Deal or No Deal *intern raises hand* Get out
A coffee place in a hospital? What’s next Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezer’s already down there. Plus, it’ll be a perfect place for kids. One of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!
I would literally swear on my father's grave, but whenever I go there, I usually just end up dancing on it
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I'm afraid you have confused me with someone who gives a crap
Should I talk slower or get someone who speaks fluent moron?
If someone is standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and can’t decide what they want in the half hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them
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"And the category is-ding!-things that have a better chance of happening than you winning the lottery. Tedski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please?" "Go!" "Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson-" "Time!"
Any other day I'd say no, but today, I'm going to go ahead and just say no
I realize that your heart is made up mostly of muffin bits, the souls of little babies, and the denture grip you swallow every time you suck your teeth to get out the muffin bits and baby souls stuck in there, but what do you care?
God, My brillance is becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me.
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It just makes me wanna pick you up and shake you until all the wasted years of my life fall out!
Bob, I will admit to anything that’s true, no matter how embarrassing. For example, I’ve always wished to carry a child inside of me and you know, birth it. But I’ll never admit to missing you.
If the next two words out of your mouth aren’t “see ya” then the third will be: “Oh my god, my crotch. You punched me in my crotch”
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You would hear crickets chirping but they were too uncomfortable about just unfunny that actually was
Laverne: "God works all things for good, Romans 8:28" Dr. Cox: "Bull dinky, Perry Cox 6' 1", Buck 85 after lunch"
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I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then I realized that that tactic would never work, as I’d be sent straight to Hell, which I imagine is actually a lot like Acapulco, only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.
"Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me?" Laverne: "Jesus?" Dr. Cox: "That's him"
Dr. Kelso: "So what do you think, Perry?" Dr. Cox: "Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea"
I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be satan himself
Dr. Cox: "I've seen the Wiggles in concert... twice." Turk: "Did they perform Big Red Car?" Dr. Cox "They opened and closed the show with it, it was... awesome"
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12 bad Habits All Girls Need to let go of
You'll be a much happier person if you do.
When I was little, my mother always told me that "beauty is pain."
Does it really have to be?
When I was a teenager, all my friends started dieting. Are 12 year olds really supposed to be going on juice cleanses?
Now that I'm nearing adulthood, I see that so many beauty habits that girls worship get worse and worse. And our self esteem? It plummets.
It's time to reconsider our actions towards ourselves, our image and our body.It's time to feel beautiful without feeling inadequate on the journey to get there.
Here are 12 things all girls need to quit doing, like yesterday:
1. Sucking in your stomach for photos.
I know. I know. It works like a charm. But it subconsciously makes you feel like you're too fat to look good in a photo. You are allowing yourself to think that without doing so, you can never look good. NOT TRUE! <3
2. Dieting vigorously before major events.
So unhealthy! Weight should be lost overtime, not shed in the span of a week thanks to starvation. Find a dress and outfit you feel beautiful in regardless if you allow yourself to eat dinner or not (which you definitely should!)
3. Checking the mirror for flaws
Admit it. The first thing you do when you look in the mirror is criticize yourself. Stahpp!! Look at that face! It's BEAUTIFUL and deserves nothing but your love.
4. Judging other girls before even getting to know them.
We girls have to stick together, but for some reason, we like to envy each other, gossip about each other, judge each other or just wish that the other girl wasn't "prettier" than you or "smarter" than you. As females, we are already fighting the battle to be equals and empowered by society. So empower the girls in your life! Don't look at another girl and think of the five different ways she should have worn her make up or call her slutty for wearing what she feels good in.
5. Obsessing over your outfit and changing it five times and over again.
We need to stop obsessing with looking like a model every chance we get. The point of going out is to have fun with your friends and enjoy a good night! When we scream and thrash around that there's nothing to wear, there's now nothing to really look forward to because you'll be in a rush, upset, and at that point, you don't think anything looks good on you. Which isn't true!
6. Letting guys define your worth.
So many girls I meet base their worth off how many guys they've had or what their boyfriend thinks or how a date goes. Don't ever do this because the true self-worth comes in loving, respecting, and cherishing who you are... and the fact that no one out there can ever take that power away from you.
7. Buying more product than you need.
Count your lip glosses. Does your nail polish go bad before you even got to use more than half the bottle? Did you buy a $90 contour brush when you have plenty others? Maybe rethink how much your spending on makeup.
8. Thinking you don't look good without makeup.
If anything, makeup is there if you want to have fun and touch yourself up. But don't begin to believe the lie that you need it to be beautiful. It's simply industry marketing wanting you to feel this way. Don't let them win.
9. Saying you can keep a secret when you can't.
Many of us share and spill our inner thoughts but always ask the person we're telling, "You won't tell anyone? Promise?"
We all say yes we promise and then are quick to break it. For your own morality and for the respect of the person you're talking to, stop lying!
10. Asking for "likes."
Okay, so I had to put this one in here. What's the point of asking for likes? Defeats their purpose and only makes you look desperate.
11. Being someone you're not to fit in.
A lot of girls get hate for being fake. And although guys can be just as fake, a lot of girls just care about their image. But being yourself should be the only image you're after...because authenticity and sincerity will have people liking you for you; you won't constantly feel like you're suffocating in a mask if you just be the you that you were born to be.
12. Pretending you're OK when you're not, because everyone else seems OK.
At the end of the day, life can suck sometimes. Scroll through any person's Insta, and it seems that "life's a beach" or that the only problem is when we're missing someone just "a little extra" today. It's not true. So break this habit because you're not alone. Ask for help. It takes strength and character to do that. Be human. Be real.