When Fear Eats Everything
How does one deal with fear when it paralyzes you?
I'd like to think that I am fearless for the most part. I overcame any childhood fears of the dark, I can handle small bugs and would rather leave them outside than kill them, unless somebody else wanted to. I stand up and ask questions and take opportunities to speak up whenever I have the chance, and wouldn't mind going on a roller coaster if I didn't think about it.
Simultaneously, I do have a fear which a lot of people have too — the fear of failing and ultimately getting rejected by somebody.
I had an idea of what both of these meant when I was younger. I ran for student council in elementary school, and took tests to get accepted into a gifted program. However, I wasn't elected in any of the three times where I ran, and I didn't get into the program multiple times. In hindsight, I would like to believe that I didn't do much to prepare for the campaigns or for the tests, so I didn't do well. However, back then, I didn't take any loss easily, and would cry out in spite.
When I began writing my book, there was a time I wanted to get published, so my mother introduced me to somebody who knows about the industry. One of the points she made stood out — I would inevitably be rejected, and I would have to persist through it. While the lesson remained, it built into the idea failure was inevitable.
This did not mean I didn't go out of my way to try new things — with the encouragement of my parents, I got accepted into a private high school. I applied to universities and my major, not knowing who would accept me. And I got accepted and did well.
This didn't mean everything went away — what I noticed from high school until now was how I put less and less effort into my work. I act impulsively, and I still try to let things slide by so I wouldn't worry about them. This also played into my career search, in which I avoided applications for internships and scholarships because of the possibility I may not get into them.
This garnered the concern of my family members, who like anybody else, want to see me successful. I want to see myself do well too, but not at the cost of losing. Therefore, do I have to lose more to appreciate success, or have early failures made me want to close myself to new opportunities and challenges?
