1. Oh sorry, we're out of that.

Most likely we're not actually out of it. Either that item has already been put away, or takes more trouble than it's worth to bring out to you.

2. Would you like coffee or dessert?

This is actually just a way for us to increase your bill in hopes that it will also increase our tips. Sure the apple pie's good, but we both know it's not actually homemade.

3. Separate Checks?

Please oh, oh please don't choose separate checks. Now I have to covertly pass your table at least three times in an attempt to piece together who ordered what.

4. You said your drink isn't strong enough?

I literally watched the bartender pour the appropriate amount of alcohol into your drink before I brought it over to you. Your drink is strong enough, but in a fews years your liver might not be.

5. I'm so sorry you didn't like your meal. I'll take it back.

I'm not sorry, it was cooked perfectly. I explained in great detail what the food was going to taste like and you ordered it anyway. Wasteful.

6. Do you need anything else right now?

I really hope you don't because I have five other tables to take care of and I've already brought you everything you could possibly need.

7. Sorry that's the kitchen. The restroom is down the hall.

It's located right under the sign that says "restroom".

8. Yes, gratuity is included.

But if you're feeling generous you could tip me extra, pretty please.

9. Thank you for stacking your plates.

Bless you, it's truly appreciated!

10. The time the restaurant closes.

We close at 11, but I'm suppose to be off around 9. So please don't make me stay late because you all want to chat for an additional two hours. We have benches right out side for that.

11. Have a nice day!

Really, have a nice day. And have an especially nice day to the people who tip their servers well. Oh behalf of us all, thank you!